589 - This Too Shall Pass: The Science of Acceptance
Everything ends…and that’s okay
Fundamentally, the human default is permanence; it’s what our sense of safety is built on. So when change and/or loss occur, we tend to feel as though something went wrong. But research shows that accepting impermanence helps people be more present and feel more connected.
But why does acceptance work?
In a 2017 paper (Lindsay & Creswell, Clinical Psychology Review, "Monitor and Acceptance Theory"), researchers posited that mindfulness is two separate skills that are often conflated.
Skill 1: Monitoring. This looks like deliberately noticing what’s actually happening in your present experience (breath, body sensations, emotions, thoughts).
Skill 2: Acceptance. This refers to how you hold what you have monitored, or the attitude you bring to the experience. An attitude of openness, willingness, and equanimity. It’s not convincing yourself you’re fine, it’s “I’m willing to let this be here without fighting it, fixing it, or shoving it away.”
You need both of these skills, because monitoring without acceptance can backfire. If you’re noticing your inner weather with judgment or resisting what’s there, the things to be upset about start compiling. This often causes you to become more reactive, not less. Acceptance lets what you notice pass through instead of sticking.
How to practice accepting impermanence
We have three exercises backed by research that will help you flex the muscles needed to start building acceptance for impermanence.
Name it, allow it, let it pass. From this episode’s featured study, this is just what it sounds like. When a difficult feeling occurs, don’t fix it, fight it, or feed it. Name it instead, allow it to be there without arguing, and then watch it like weather. “This is here, and it will pass.” Be a polite but firm host to your feelings. Acknowledge them at the door, don’t reorganize the whole party around their drama.
The George Bailey (a.k.a. mental subtraction). Once this week, spend five minutes writing about how something good might never have happened — how you might never have met your partner, never gotten the job, never found this friend. Don't count your blessings; subtract them, then watch them reappear. For a couples version, do it about each other and then swap.
Awe walk. Take one walk this week with the explicit intention to seek out something vast, old, or beautiful and let yourself feel small.