590 - Is Non-Monogamy Worth the Struggle?
Struggles and triumphs in non-monogamy
This week’s episode is a little bit different than our usual ones. We polled our listeners and asked them to share some of the things that make non-monogamy messy and complicated for them, and also to share some the pure joys and triumphs they have discovered in non-monogamy.
Let’s get the struggles out of the way first. What’s the most difficult about the reality of navigating non-monogamy? Here are some challenges our listeners brought up and anecdotes from them about their own situations:
Challenges with disclosure. Outside of broad concepts, navigating disclosure and communication is an ongoing struggle for most of us who are non-monogamous:
The skills around talking to one partner about experiences with another partner are difficult to hone and there’s not much guidance out there in the wider culture.
Learning to learn into one’s own wants and needs openly and honestly instead of trying to manage information and other people’s emotional responses.
Being okay with different levels of consideration and transparency.
Comparison to other partners’ relationships. One of the biggest and most common struggles is the persistent and painful tendency to compare our own relationships to those of our partners:
Fears of being replaced.
A partner paying more attention to their other partner.
Wanting to be the best and handling perfectionism in non-monogamy.
Worry and wonder if I’m a good fit versus another partner, and all of the self-doubt and conflicting emotions that come with that.
Outside influences. There isn’t just struggle with internal work, a lot of friction occurs from outside pressures, family dynamics, and/or social expectations:
Public scrutiny, being religious, being an educator, or being in a more conservative area such as Florida.
Unlearning the monogamy mindset and dealing with monogamy culture.
Family loving and adoring a husband of many years but won’t acknowledge a long-term boyfriend, refusing to even know him at all.
Integrating oneself into a new community. Beyond relationships themselves, finding your place within a pre-existing and complex polyamorous community brings a unique set of social hurdles:
Finding oneself in what seems like a world full of cliques again and many people have known or had relationships with each other for years and the intricate history that comes with that makes this type of community much different than others. Add on to that the ableist patterns that show up even in such a neuro-diverse community and integration becomes even more difficult, particularly for neurodivergent individuals.
Mismatched expectations. The reality check of realizing that your needs and your partner’s expectations aren’t aligned can sometimes be the most difficult:
Coordinating different people’s needs and accepting those differences.
A partner who doesn’t feel fully ENM/polyamorous struggling with not being one’s only partner.
Time and energy constraints and planning.
Finding people to date whose needs match.
Metamour struggles. Managing relationships with metamours are often complex and delicate, and navigating those dynamics can be extremely difficult:
Metamours feeling threatened.
Feeling as though a partner isn’t being truthful when they say they aren’t prioritizing another partner.
Trying not to compare relationships to metamours’.
Hinge partners struggling to divide time and attention fairly.
Classic polyamory woes. These are some recurring hurdles that almost everyone in this lifestyle has to confront eventually, often leading to attempts to rewire the brain after a lifetime of mono-normativity:
Trying not to let a bad breakup influence or affect other relationships.
Hitting a wall whenever resources, time, and good communication are difficult.
Repairing when mistakes are made, sometimes feeling uncared for by a partner.
Lack of predictability and control can be anxiety-inducing.
Unpacking mono-normativity is a long process and often a painful one.
Polyamorous triumphs
Despite all the struggles and challenges in a non-monogamous lifestyle, most of us wouldn’t trade it for anything. The best things about non-monogamy that our listeners brought up are:
The people. The incredible people we’re fortunate to have in our lives make it worth it:
Being free to savor crushes and let the relationships do what they will in the spirit of relationship anarchy.
The abundance of love and chosen family.
Community and friends who allow us to be in public with multiple partners and not feel judged.
The added love and value found in every connection. All love is worth it.
Not having control over metamours. Some are great, some are medium, some are terrible.
There’s no alternative. For a lot of us, non-monogamy isn’t just a lifestyle choice, it’s a fundamental way of being that feels like the only authentic path:
There is so much to love and so much that could be categorized as a struggle, but once you embrace it and know it’s a part of who you are, closing the door is impossible. It’s simply part of how you define yourself.
Freedom. There’s a profound sense of liberation that co-occurs with this way of loving, and the freedom to follow your heart isn’t something to give up easily:
The feeling of freely following my heart and my desires is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.
The freedom to be myself and still feel committed to my relationships. Love is love.
The possibility to connect with whomever I want and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I am me. They want to be with me because of who I am. I am free.
Getting to explore other people without shame or keeping secrets.
New understanding of self in relationship. Beyond the freedom to connect, these relationships force a deep, rewarding, and sometimes painful journey of growth within yourselves:
Meeting hidden parts of oneself.
Getting to be yourself. Being authentic and meaningful.
Being true to yourself and your ideals.
Working through relationship challenges in a very intentional way.
Sensual/sexual preferences and exploring touch and sex with more people.
Growth opportunities.
Releasing expectations around needing to be everything for a partner. Letting go of this heavy, often unrealistic expectation that we have to absolutely everything to our partners is a huge part of growth:
Asking too much of monogamous relationships, taking the pressure off all relationships, and appreciating someone for exactly who they are.
Partner is choosing me because they want to, not because they have to. It’s incredibly validating to know the connection is conscious, enthusiastic, and a choice, rather than an obligation:
If a partner wanted something else, they could have it. They are with me because they are choosing to be with me, not settling.
Partners having the full freedom to connect and deepen with another person and still make time for me.
Compersion and partner happiness. There’s the beautiful, transformative feeling of compersion as well—finding genuine joy and fulfillment in your partner’s own happiness with others:
Bringing coffee and breakfast to my metamour and partner in bed breaks the heart wide open.
My partner is fulfilled and happy with his other partners. I love him and his happiness. When you get through a hard time and it makes it all worth it.
Seeing metamours at breakfast, a chain of people holding hands at the cinema, etc.
All relationships firing on all cylinders.
So yes, non-monogamy is hard. It’s messy, it’s complicated, and it hurts sometimes. But it’s also rewarding and meaningful and so worth it to have these opportunities for growth and people and love in our lives. We wouldn’t trade it for anything.