541 - Make Agreements with Yourself, Not With Your Partner
Let’s talk about agreements
We’re big fans of agreements, but we haven’t talked much on the show about self agreements. Relationship agreements are mostly a product of non-monogamy subculture, so not everyone has experience with them. Partner agreements can be excellent and a great idea, but there can be problems with them, especially when you might benefit from a self agreement (or you don’t have a partner to make an agreement with).
Some of the common problems that might arise from relationship agreements with a partner could include:
Unclear starting point for most people, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does set people up for problems.
Many people fail to set up a regular ritual for revisiting and renegotiating.
Trial and error process of constant renegotiation.
The process of writing down agreements can be stabilizing for some relationships but for others could be more de-stabilizing.
Self agreements
Self agreements focus on the commitments you can make with yourself, not with another person. Once upon a time, Dedeker wrote a whole constitution focusing on the commitments she could keep with herself. Starting with what she expected of herself, how she would show up in partnerships, and what she thought was reasonable for other people to expect from her, it outlined her desires around communication, disclosure, respecting boundaries and privacy, treatment during conflict, and quality time. You can read Dedeker’s personal constitution yourself (but don’t make fun of her!).
A good place to start if you’re thinking about creating self agreements is figuring out what your values are. You can go back to episode 319 to help brainstorm what your own values might be.
Self agreements might seem a lot like boundaries, but there are a few differences. Both boundaries and self agreements are about your own behavior and actions, not someone else’s, but we create boundaries with safety and self-preservation in mind, whereas self agreements are focused on joy, values, fulfillment, and what it means to be who you are in a relationship.
Self agreement prompts
Here are some prompts that can help facilitate your own self agreement:
The kind of person I aspire to be is . . . (List at least three qualities you display when you are at your best. A good prompt is to ask yourself, “How would I want the people I love to describe me at my funeral?”).
In my most important relationships, I show those qualities by . . . (It can help to imagine you’re watching your life as if it’s a movie. How would the movie show, through your character’s actions, that you have the qualities you listed? List the actions). Describe how you want your partners (current and future) to feel about you.
If you are non-monogamous, how do you want your partners (current and future) to feel about your shared non-monogamous relationship?
When you have been the most proud of how you showed up during conflict, what specifically did you do?
What parts of your life do you want to maintain as solely yours, even while you’re in close relationships?
What cues or signs will tell you it’s time to update or shift your agreements with yourself?