542 - Is Emotional Intelligence the Key to Getting Out of Our Own Way?
Thoughts, feelings, and facts
We often get in our own way and end up sabotaging our own success. We do it to ourselves, but we also sometimes do it to our relationships, so for this episode we explored emotional intelligence and how to stop engaging in destructive patterns of behavior.
Thoughts are subjective, sometimes unproductive, sometimes devolve into ruminations, and originate from your cerebral cortex.
Feelings are deeply personal, subjective, originate from your limbic system, and sometimes can cause or be a source of misinterpretation, as they are shaped by our individual experiences.
Facts are objective, the reality of the situation, what clearly and concretely occurred, and can be difficult to determine when in the midst of conflict.
Some of us are more thought-driven, others are more driven by feelings, but either way, sometimes our emotions get in the way of our success and happiness and we engage in destructive patterns. Even if we want to do the right thing, we have trouble getting out of our own way.
Some ways that you might be stuck in your own way could look like:
Holding onto limiting beliefs about yourself.
Procrastination on big and important projects.
Being overly perfectionistic.
Being overly judgmental of yourself and the people around you.
Having an overly negative attitude/complaining.
Having apathy about the people or important things in your life.
Making excuses regarding important decisions.
Not learning from past mistakes.
Engaging in destructive addictions and behaviors.
A few ways you might sabotage yourself or your relationship could look like:
Picking fights or withdrawing when things get intimate.
Constantly testing your partner’s love or loyalty.
Avoiding vulnerability out of fear of rejection.
Being obsessed or clingy with your partner.
Choosing to people please or fawn rather than stand up for yourself.
Repeating toxic patterns from past relationships.
These behaviors are completely understandable and no one can stop maladaptive behavior entirely, but even if they feel better in the short term, they can have long term effects as well.
Emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
The Oxford Dictionary
Daniel Goleman, author of the 1995 book Emotional Intelligence, outlined five different components to the term:
Self-awareness: The ability to recognize what you are feeling, to understand your habitual emotional responses to events and to recognize how your emotions affect your behavior and performance. When you are self-aware, you see yourself as others see you, and have a good sense of your own abilities and current limitations.
Managing emotions: The ability to stay focused and think clearly even when experiencing powerful emotions. Being able to manage your own emotional state is essential for taking responsibility for your actions, and can save you from hasty decisions that you later regret.
Motivating oneself: The ability to use your deepest emotions to move and guide you towards your goals. This ability enables you to take the initiative and to persevere in the face of obstacles and setbacks.
Empathy: The ability to sense, understand and respond to what other people are feeling. Self-awareness is essential to having empathy with others. If you are not aware of your own emotions, you will not be able to read the emotions of others.
Social Skills: The ability to manage, influence and inspire emotions in others. Being able to handle emotions in relationships and being able to influence and inspire others are essential foundation skills for successful teamwork and leadership.
Emotional intelligence sounds great on paper, and it can help us be more cognizant of our own behavior, but knowing what it is doesn’t really help us if we can’t develop the skills necessary for it.
Here are some tips on strengthening and developing skills around some of the components of emotional intelligence:
Developing self-awareness:
Cultivate a mindfulness practice like meditation. Remember that mindfulness is building an awareness of yourself and your emotions without having judgment of them.
Learn to identify your emotional triggers and dig into why they may be occurring (for example: something from the past is causing a more intense emotional reaction than is necessary).
Journaling prompts to explore your reactions and patterns:
What emotions did I feel today, and what triggered them?
What situations caused me to feel reactive or off-center?
What do I need that I’m not giving myself right now?
Is there anything I can request from my partner in order to help me regulate?
2. Practicing self-regulation:
Try techniques for calming your nervous system (e.g., breathwork, HALT, meditation).
Build tolerance for emotional discomfort:
Mindful breathing during stress.
Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations in the present moment.
Notice sensations when you feel emotional (tight chest, clenched jaw, etc.).
Reframe negative self-talk:
Step back and notice the negative self-talk as a thought, not a fact. Say to yourself, “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that I’m a failure” instead of “I’m a failure.” This creates distance between you and the thought.
Reframe your thoughts with more compassion:
“I always screw things up.” → “I made a mistake, but I’m learning and growing.”
“I’m not good enough.” → “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough right now.”
“I’ll never get this right.” → “It’s okay to not be perfect; I can try again.”
3. Identify and interrupt self-sabotage loops:
Catch yourself in “protective” behaviors that limit intimacy such as shutting down when a partner asks how you are feeling, saying, “It’s fine” or “It’s nothing” when something is actually wrong, resorting to people pleasing behaviors instead of voicing what it is that you want or need, or starting arguments when things are going well in a relationship.
Set small, achievable goals to shift your patterns.
Use relationship check-ins to build mutual awareness and growth.
Being emotionally intelligent doesn’t mean being perfect, but every step you take to understand yourself, and being present, curious, and honest about your relationships will help them become stronger and healthier.