540 - Banish the Ghost of Relationships Past
How do bad relationships affect us?
Relationship PTSD and baggage can show up a lot of different ways in our relationships, even if the current one is a good, healthy, and loving relationship. First, let’s define a bad relationship and what we mean when we say a good relationship:
A bad relationship could look like one that is or has:
Abusive.
Incompatible.
Characterized by extreme codependence.
High conflict or volatility.
Dishonest.
Unequal.
Imbalanced decision-making.
Pressure/coercion.
Neglect.
Needs or wants not being met.
Boundaries constantly pushed or ignored, or a context where it’s difficult to uphold your own boundaries.
This doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, too. Bad caretaker relationships or unhealthy family of origin relationships can absolutely affect our romantic relationships as well.
Alternatively, when we talk about a good relationship, we mean one that is or has:
Communicative.
Honest.
Mutual trust.
Mutual respect.
Mutual support.
Equity and equality or conscious efforts toward equity and equality.
Shared decision-making.
Consent-based.
Shared values.
PTSD can show up in our relationships in a variety of ways. You might experience the following:
General PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, severe reactions, avoidance, depression, self-destructive behavior, etc.
Expecting the worst or running everything through a negative filter.
Emotional/physical reactions that are out of proportion to what triggered them.
Self-doubt and doubt of the other person.
Intense pursuit or intense withdrawal.
Anxiety or obsessive thoughts, even paranoia.
Excessive apologies or excessive defensiveness.
Conflict avoidance.
Walking on eggshells.
Wanting to avoid touch, eye contact, vulnerability, etc.
Overcompensating by needing to prove that you are lovable and worthy.
Pessimistic outlook on all relationships or intimate connections.
In non-monogamy, a large swath of people also have trauma and baggage around strict adherence to a particular relationship format, rigidity and being hyperboundaried, or a narrow set of speculations for potential partners. They may also have had a painful experience opening up a monogamous relationship, or just generally bad experience with non-monogamy that can color their perception of it.
When you’re used to bad relationships…good ones can be off-putting
There are a few things about good and healthy relationships that can seem destabilizing when someone is used to unhealthy ones. If you’re unused to honesty and direct communication, it can be difficult to receive it without thinking there might be another agenda. Additionally:
A partner who wants to tackle conflict head-on may be straight up terrifying if you’re only used to conflict being negative and painful.
Relaxation-induced panic.
Kind gestures or gifts might be seen as bargaining chips that will be brought up later.
Requests may be interpreted as non-negotiable demands.
A lack of conflict or drama can be seen as boring or uninspiring.
How to show up in your good relationship
Here are some actionable takeaways we can use to be more present, loving, and communicative in our current relationships, despite having bad experiences in the past:
Be patient with yourself.
Take note of how you speak to yourself and adopt a gentler voice.
Find your own strength and individuality - do things that you enjoy and that make you come alive
Enlist the help of a trusted friend or professional to take stock of what happened in the relationship:
This may include getting help from someone for taking ownership of your own behavior or negative habits as well.
Also valuable in unpacking what pain, habits, or patterns may have been in place for you even before this particular relationship.
Good to have someone who can give you a reality check. “Is this thing my partner said okay, or is this just my trauma brain making it sound worse?”
It’s okay to go slow when opening your heart up again.
Make a list of green flags and red flags for yourself regarding what you look for in partners and relationships.
When something about a partner’s words or behavior throws you off, ask questions before making an assumption.
Find a time (not during conflict) to talk with your partner about what’s happened in the past and how you can work together to facilitate healing (when you’re ready).
Ritual: It can be helpful to symbolize or formalize a way to let go of the previous relationship, even if you know 100% you’re over the person or the relationship.
Microscripts to rewrite old patterns!
Practice accepting love, affection, kindness, compassion, and worthiness from everyone around you, including yourself. It’s a constant practice.