539 - Introducing My Polyamorous Partner to My Monogamous Parents: Listener Q&A

Introducing parents and partners

This week’s question from our Supercast subscribers is:

“My partner of almost a year, who is very experienced with polyamory, is about to meet my parents, who are very much less experienced with it. This is my first relationship with someone who is non-monogamous. There's almost certainly still a stigma in their eyes, or at least some feeling that their son is going to get hurt in some Hollywood caliber love triangle of despair. I don't really have the type of relationship with my parents that includes talking a lot about sex or romance, and I'm not sure I'm looking to change that any time soon, but I want to make sure that they understand that my partner is very committed and nothing but a positive for me. Any advice to make this introduction go more smoothly? 

Signed,

Freaking out at Family Brunch”

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Transcript

This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.

Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory podcast, we're going to be discussing a question from one of our listeners. This is one that I think we can all relate to, to a certain extent, and I think will be relevant to a lot of people out there. That's about how to introduce a non-monogamous partner to your very monogamous parents. I almost feel like you don't need to say very monogamous parents, since I feel like for most people, you could assume that's the default for parents. If you're one of the lucky few who didn't have that, I suppose it could be different. We're going to dive into that question.

If you're interested in learning more about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on this show all the time, you can check out our book, Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, which covers our most used communication tools for all types of relationships. I actually just updated our multiamory.com/book page with nice convenient links to get the audiobook, the e-book, or the paperback book. I even learned that Amazon sells a CD version of the audiobook, if you have an old Discman you really want to dust off.

Emily: I can't even imagine being on a CD. Wow.

Dedeker: It's like my '90s dreams.

Emily: Yes, exactly. Amazing.

Jase: Go check that out at multiamory.com/book.

Dedeker: Quick disclaimer. The three of us have spent a lot of time studying healthy relationship communication, but we are not mind readers. Our advice is based solely on the limited information that we are sent, so of course, please take it with a grain of salt. Everybody's situation is unique. We always encourage you to use your own judgment, seek professional help if needed. Remember that these questions have been edited for time and for clarity.

Emily: All righty, here's the question. How, as a newly non-monogamous person, do you introduce your historically non-monogamous partner to your very monogamous parents? Here's a little bit more context. My partner of almost a year who is very experienced with polyamory, is about to meet my parents who are very much less experienced with it. This is my first relationship with someone who is non-monogamous. There is almost certainly still a stigma in their eyes, or at least some feeling that their son is going to get hurt in some Hollywood caliber love triangle of despair.

I don't really have the type of relationship with my parents that includes talking a lot about sex or romance, and I'm not sure I'm looking to change that anytime soon. I want to make sure that they understand that my partner is very committed, and nothing but a positive for me. Any advice to make this introduction go more smoothly? Signed, Freaking out at family brunch.

Jase: Very nice sign-off name. Well done. I think we can all relate to stories of meeting parents, but I'm thinking back on this, and I think that for myself, I don't think I've ever been quite in this position of dating someone who's much more experienced with it, and that I'm new to it, and introducing them to my parents. I feel like, for me, the transition came from being with Emily monogamously first, and then we opened up our relationship, and so it was new. Everyone was new at the time. I suppose when I started dating Dedeker, she was more experienced by a year or two, or something like that, and so kind of, but I feel like already the parents had gotten the, like, "Oh, Jase and Emily are open now." That was the jarring thing first.

Emily: Definitely.

Jase: How about you two?

Dedeker: I can relate to what the question-asker is pointing out about how-- There's a layer of awkwardness to this, where they already don't have the type of relationship with their parents, where they talk about sex, or about romance so much. That was for sure the case with me. I did things in a little bit of a different order, because I wanted to be able to introduce more than one partner to my mom when she was coming to visit me. This is over a decade plus ago.

Jase: Right.

Dedeker: I knew I have to come out to her. For me, it was more like I need to come out to her first, then I can introduce her to more than one partner. There's many, many layers to this. Not only do I know that she's probably not going to be happy about this, but also this is just a channel in our relationship that is not open. Sure, at that time, maybe I'd call up my mom if I was upset in a relationship, if I was going through a bad breakup or something like that, but I didn't really have the type of relationship, where I would just keep her updated all the time about who I'm dating, and how's it going, and here's the goss.

That already felt like, I have to wrench this doorway open of a dark pathway in the mines of Moria that I don't normally travel down with my mom, and that, for sure, made me extra scared heading into that interaction.

Emily: I will say that my mother and I are two people that tend to speak about sex and relationships very openly, and so that part of our relationship wasn't particularly challenging to continue down. Initially, the non-monogamy part definitely was. That was still this humongous paradigm shift of, "Wait a minute. What are you doing right now?" Also, this idea of that's not how real relationships work, and that's not how loving relationships work.

Since then, my mom has shifted considerably towards understanding that relationships can exist in a variety of different ways, and look a lot of different ways, and that they can still be loving and understanding. Definitely, at the beginning, it was still a big shock to her system for sure.

Jase: Right.

Dedeker: Emily, now that I know you better, and know more about your relationship with your mom, and how the two of you communicate, my imagining is that the minute that you and Jase decided to open up your relationship, your mom was the next person you had on the phone.

Emily: It was pretty close. Oh, I'm sure. Something that I remember her saying early on, and I think she was probably right. I was a little bit more wishy-washy about it. She was like, "Well, you don't sound like you have much conviction about this." I think that partially that was me just being, like, I want to soften the whole thing to a degree, and make it sound like, "Oh, it's going to be okay. Nobody's going to get hurt here, or we're going to figure it out, or whatever," but that resulted in me sounding like I had a lot less--

Dedeker: What? Confidence?

Emily: This is the thing that I am now, and confidence, yes, which maybe at the time I really didn't have as much. Again, all of these things are very different. I will say that it sounds like this question-asker maybe also has parents that are together still. I'm extrapolating that out from what was said here, but that is very different than the three of us.

Jase: Yes, I always forget that's a thing that parents do.

Emily: I know. I've met a lot of people recently whose parents are still together, and have been for 30-plus years.

Dedeker: It's like, "What is wrong with you?"

Emily: I'm just like, "That's a thing still? Really?" It is fascinating to know that that is something that a lot of people out there still have.

Dedeker: Here's a question. I know we're getting a little bit down a tangent on this, because I have wondered these many times, since the first time you pointed out that out, Emily, that all three of us are children of divorce because--

Emily: Slash, never married, yes.

Dedeker: Right. What I ran into when I came out to my mom, many things happened in that conversation. There were many emotional highs and lows, but one of them was her internalizing it, like, "Oh, this was her fault. She gave me a bad example, and this is why I'm doing all this wild, very non-monogamous stuff." It triggered some of her own stuff around her divorces, or failed relationships, or stuff like that, which maybe that wouldn't be the same for, if I was introducing a partner, or if I was coming out as non-monogamous, if I had parents who were together, and who were still very monogamous. What do y'all think?

Jase: Yes, I feel like I've run into that more as-- This has been a long time since I've run into this, but people who want to just talk shit about non-monogamy as in, "Oh, it's only a thing people do if they've got issues and problems," and that they'll cite like, "Oh, look, see these three, they all come from broken homes. Clearly, that's the reason."

Emily: You mean, us three?

Jase: That's what I'm saying, that they would say that about us. I feel like it's been a while since I've gotten this kind of reaction, but I've run into that more. I don't know if I've seen that a lot with in relation to other people's parents, specifically, in terms of how open they are to that, or not. I feel like I haven't seen a pattern, because I've seen people, who, they've been divorced four times, and still are like, "No, monogamy is the only way to go."

Then, I also run into parents who've been married for a long time, and are like, "Okay, yes, cool. Whatever works for you." I don't know. I haven't noticed a really clear pattern with that one.

Emily: Yes. I have a good friend of mine that her parents have been together for years, and she's never been in a committed relationship, and she's older than I am. I don't think that correlation necessarily means causation, like these two people who--

Jase: I don't even think there is a correlation, is what I'm saying.

Emily: Yes. Well, no, exactly. Yes, I don't think that, if you have parents who have been together for 40 years, that that necessarily means that you are also going to be someone who's going to meet the love of your life early, and then be with them forever. It could mean that you never marry, or that you have a non-monogamous relationship or whatever. I think, as we dive further into this question, that's something to think about, and maybe something to relay.

I don't know if they would feel comfortable with doing this, but to relate to a parent, or to someone else out there to say, "Hey, relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and it doesn't necessarily mean, just because I was brought up in this way, that my relationship life is going to look exactly the same as yours did."

Dedeker: Well, okay. I think some of this, for me, raises some questions, because what we don't know from the question is, is this person even out to their parents? Is this the coming-out interaction? Is this the, "Hey, here's my partner. Also, by the way, let me hit you with this whole polyamory thing," or do they already know? Has there already been disagreements and arguments about that?

I think we are missing a little bit of the context around what the partner meeting the parents is going to mean, and what pressures or what expectations are on that, or what conversation are they walking into?

Jase: Yes. I think we should dive into all of these options to explore the space, as it were, because we don't know this for this question-asker, but also for people listening, they might be in any variety of those situations.

Emily: Maybe this person's parents don't know that they're dating a non-monogamous person. I do think from this sentence, there's almost certainly still a stigma in their eyes, or at least some feeling that their son is going to get hurt in some Hollywood caliber love triangle of despair. I feel like maybe they do know.

Jase: Right. It implies there are some specific concerns already. Yes.

Emily: Yes, exactly. That somehow their son's heart is going to get broken in some way. My head immediately goes to-- I understand that it's difficult to think about their son also benefiting from this arrangement.

Dedeker: Wait, difficult to think about, you mean uncomfortable to think about?

Emily: I don't know, or just not even going there at all.

Jase: Right. Conceptually, that's--

Emily: Yes, exactly. That it's like, there's this enigma out here, that is this person that my son is dating that is already non-monogamous, and therefore, they are getting all the benefit of whatever non-monogamy means to them, whether that be dating multiple people, being able to sleep around, whatever the heck, have emotional relationships with multiple people, and that my son is, unfortunately, just in the other side of this equation, being sad and lonely, and not getting to benefit from this at all.

Dedeker: Being taken advantage of.

Emily: Being taken advantage of, exactly.

Dedeker: Which is surprising because, usually, that's something that I think people/parents are more likely to attribute to a daughter, right? Because that's the stereotype, right? Of just like the floundering dude who's taking advantage of my daughter, and going to leave her high and dry.

Jase: In either case, though, there is this sense that, in the parents' eyes, it's like, "Oh, well, my good child would clearly want a good, real healthy relationship, which means monogamy." If anyone else wants to not do that, I think especially in this case, where the partner is more experienced, regardless of gender, where there's this sense of like, "Oh, my kid didn't express interest in this before until they met this person." There's this sense that because of that--

Emily: They pulled them down into the depths of hell, or whatever it is.

Jase: Right. That it must be because of this outside influence, rather than the kid came out to the parent first about, "I'm non-monogamous because I believe in that, or I'm trying this because I want to, and then now I'm dating someone in it," that the fact that it feels like it came more from this outside force, I could see that being something to contend with a little bit more of their sweet baby boy, who's good and proper, is clearly being influenced badly, because he would never want non-monogamy himself, that must be coming from outside.

I'm obviously putting words in their mouth here, but I could see that being a certain aspect. To come to the question-asker's question, I feel like a place I might start is, like Emily mentioned, coming out to her mom, and that the feedback was, "You don't have a lot of conviction about this." I think that for the question-asker, there is a certain amount of personal work of, do you identify with this being a way that you want to do your relationship, and are actually happy with, "Yes, I want to do this as a relationship, not just as a means to be with this particular person."

Emily: Sure.

Jase: I think, having some of that confidence, or conviction about it yourself, it won't make the conversation necessarily easy, but it'll change the dynamic a little. Rather than parents being wary of this outsider being a bad influence. There might still be some of that, but it's more, parents needing to adjust to my child wanted to do a relationship different from how I expected them to.

Emily: Sure. Yes.

Dedeker: The thing that I'm scared of, though, is I would just want to discourage putting pressure on yourself to make this a non-monogamy PR press junket event. I've had a parent meeting that went that way.

Emily: How did it go?

Jase: With your parents, or with someone else's?

Dedeker: No. With somebody else's parents.

Jase: I see. There were journalists there asking questions.

Dedeker: Yes, there was a whole line of journalists, microphones in our faces. How did it go? That's difficult to answer. It was a long time ago, and so it's hard to remember. Ultimately, it went fine. No one ended up in tears, but it was not a pleasant two hours of a lot of just straight up, the hard-hitting questions about non-monogamy, and how this works. I was fortunate, in that, my partner who was there with me, wasn't just leaving it all up to me, right? That they also were happy to be in the conversation, and stuff like that.

I just wouldn't recommend that for a first meeting with the parents. I do think that if you head into the meeting with the parent feeling like, "This has to be it, this has to be the representation, this has to be the moment when I prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything's okay, and where I dispel all of their doubts," because that's probably not going to happen in one meeting.

Jase: Yes, 100 %.

Dedeker: The more pressure that both people carry into this for it to be that, probably, just the more nervous, and maybe the worse it's going to feel. I think it's better to-- Not necessarily in the sense of if the parents happen to ask about non-monogamy, not trying to deflect, or not answer, if you do want to be able to have that conversation. That doesn't have to be the primary focus. Let the primary focus be being in the moment, and just showing up as who you are, right?

Because that is how people's hearts and minds actually get changed is human faces, is just seeing, "Oh, this isn't a horrible, degenerate, awful piece of slime from the gutter trying to pull my beautiful, baby boy into the sewers." That does work. That was the case with my mom. When I came out to her, it was not a good conversation. It was a very upsetting conversation. We both left that conversation upset. Then, as soon as she met both of my partners, she was like, "Oh, these people are great. I want to adopt them. I love them." Which-

Emily: That's very typical for her.

Dedeker: -to be fair, I knew that, that was in my mom's nature.

Jase: Sure.

Dedeker: I knew that, if she could just meet people, that then she would fall in love with them, too, and stuff like that. Then, that worked.

Emily: Yes. The two people that are about to go meet the parents beforehand. Having a conversation about what are your fears around this discussion? What are some of the things that you're worried about, potentially? What are some of the things that you think might happen, and that might be difficult? Is there any way that we can have some decisions made beforehand about how we're going to handle that, if something does come up, so that we can also get on the same page? I would worry that one person might be like, "Oh, but he also gets to have sex, too." That becomes something that isn't okay to say, for instance, if that makes sense.

Dedeker: Because there's already a little family culture here of not really talking about sex and romance so much.

Emily: Yes, exactly. I think I would always want to be like, "Okay, if they are actually engaging in non-monogamy together, aren't both of them getting to benefit from this in an equal way, or at least in a way that makes both of them happy, so that they're continuing to do this for almost a year?"

Jase: I think it might be better to leave them to come to that conclusion on their own, instead of having it thrown in their face.

Emily: Sure. Exactly. Things like that that, okay, if we are coming into this conversation, and there's some fear around it, what is the basis of that fear? How can we try to figure out ways in which that's not going to be a thing that we're worried about throughout the course of the conversation? That instead, like you said, Dedeker, we focus on other stuff. We focus on getting another person individually. Maybe if it does come up like, "Okay, how did you get into this?" Or whatever, that there are some potential, I don't know, ground rules or whatever.

It's hard, because you don't want to be inauthentic, but you also want to be wary, and understanding of the person in front of you. Maybe don't say that you are kinky and whatever, because like that really may not fly with my parents or--

Dedeker: As in, you're suggesting both people, ahead of time, figure out what's our conversational boundaries-

Emily: Yes. Some ground rules.

Dedeker: -in this particular.

Emily: Yes, sure.

Jase: I think that's smart.

Dedeker: Makes sense.

Emily: Especially, for the first meeting, like you said. I think that things could evolve over time, but that first meeting just needs to be a little bit more surface level potentially, and that's probably okay. That it doesn't need to be this big like, "I'm going to tell you my entire life story, and how I got to this exact place in time, and how I met your son, and am dragging him along with me." Kind of thing.

Dedeker: Into the gutter.

Emily: Yes, indeed.

Jase: I think this comes back to some things that I'm actually really glad we're having this conversation, because there's some things that we talked about a lot in the earlier days of this show when I think we did focus a little more on the coming out journey with parents, partners, friends, that kind of thing, is that a piece of advice that we had back then, and I still think is very good, is to answer questions that come up, but don't give a lot of extra information that they didn't ask for.

Let the new person, the parent who's new to this, let them set their own pace for how much they learn, how much they find out about things. To go back to what Dedeker was saying, that your focus is more on just you being a human being who is hopefully likable, and who wants to get along, and wants everyone to feel comfortable, but that it doesn't have to be your life story. It doesn't have to be like you're trying to convince them of this way of doing it, because that can feel like now you're saying, "I need to do this, and now I'm going to extra defend the fact that I don't think it's the right thing to do, because now I feel like my beliefs are being threatened."

Instead to just approach it from this, if the questions come up, yes, answer them. If you're comfortable with that, and if it's within the boundaries that you've set up beforehand, maybe they come out and say, "Tell me about this sex thing. When you're having sex with all these people at once, how do you do that?" You could maybe have some discussions beforehand about how much detail do we want to go into?

How much is it, just set them straight about what kinds of group sex we do, or don't have. Number of partners, but that we're not going to go into details past that, or maybe they want to set a boundary of like, if their parents ask that, the child of those parents will go, "Mom, that is inappropriate, and we're not going to talk about that. I've never talked to you about my sex life before. I'm not starting now." Whatever it is.

You can set those rules beforehand, but let them ask the questions, give your answers, but then keep the focus more on the stuff we can all relate to is people of just, "Where are you from? What's your relationship with your mom?" You've got great points. Varied if you have a good relationship with--

Dedeker: The real common meeting the parents kind of question.

Jase: Yes. What do you do for work? What are your intentions with my son? That kind of thing.

Emily: That also might be a hot topic potentially with this, but sure.

Dedeker: I'm just realizing, I don't remember the last time I met a parent.

Emily: Oh, wow. Really?

Jase: You mean a parent of a partner?

Emily: Would it be your most recent partner? You haven't met the parents yet?

Dedeker: Not yet. Might soon-ish. I don't know. It's been quite a while since I've met a parent.

Emily: My last relationship, I did meet his mom. I met his dad over Skype, and it definitely-- There were some uncomfortable things that I felt like happened a little bit. Not related to non-monogamy at all, but just like, there is sometimes this expectation with parents that they put all their hopes and dreams about what you could be onto you, if that makes sense. Then, if you are not ready for those milestones, it can feel like, "Oh, Nelly, let's slow down here, because you are clearly projecting something onto me that I'm going to become this thing for your--

Jase: Oh, I see. You mean, when parents jump to the whole, "You're going to get married, you're going to have all these--

Dedeker: Oh my God, you're going to going to be together forever. You're going to be part of the family.

Emily: Yes.

Jase: That was my mom's favorite move to do for a lot of my early relationships, was to jump to that future casting of, "Oh, this whole life that you'll have, and what that might look like, and all the grandchildren I'll get to play with."

Dedeker: See, my thing now is, I feel like Jase, you and I had a conversation about this, that pre-non-monogamy days. I remember you telling me once of, you feeling like you really were great with meeting parents, being charming and polite.

Emily: Oh, I'm sure. Definitely.

Jase: My parents loved me, yes.

Dedeker: Parents loved you, and now it's like, you're still charming, but you have the Scarlet letter on your-

Jase: Sure, there is some of that.

Dedeker: -on your forehead. I feel the same. In that, I don't have any issues with meeting somebody's parents if it feels like it's the right time, but I think I do carry that baggage of, I know that I can be charming, and I can be likable, and I can be charismatic. I got the charisma points, but I feel like I'm coming in with a negative 50 modifier, because of being the weird, suspicious polyamory podcast lady.

Jase: Yes, for sure. I think that's something that I've had to grapple with for years now, like you said, that suddenly now there's this stigma with me, I'm this-- Parents are going to have more suspicion about me dating their child. I think that a big shift that came along with that was realizing that there's nothing that I can do that will change their mind about that right away. The only thing I can do, is just try to be polite and kind and relatable, and the things that I would try to be with someone else's parents already, but then to just do that consistently. That I think time's the only thing you've got.

Dedeker: Jase, what if at that first meeting you showed up, and I'm trying to imagine-- I think this works more on, if you're a lady rolling up, because we project so much more onto women, but I'm imagining that it's like, okay, if I'm trying to counteract the, "Oh my God, you're so suspicious, bad influence, crawling out of the gutter slime to drag my child into the sewer," that if I dress like I'm freaking Amish, like I'm Victorian.

Jase: I see.

Emily: You're good at that, Dedeker.

Dedeker: Buttoned up to the neck.

Emily: You're good at that. You have a lot of clothing for that.

Dedeker: I dress in a way, there's like nothing about me says sex. It all just says dry repression. Maybe that would counteract it. It's like if you show up in such a way that you're just dripping no sexuality whatsoever. Nothing untoward, you're just like-- I don't even know what that would look like for a man. Since we also just default attribute sexuality to men in that particular way.

Jase: Yes. I've talked about this before in terms of how I comport myself in the workplace is like, even if people are making sex jokes, I'm like the least sex thinking person you've ever met. That's the whole play at work.

Dedeker: You're the prude at work.

Jase: Right. I'm the biggest prude of all, I don't engage in the jokes. I'm just like, I know that there's already this stigma that if it tipped the needle for anyone, they'd be able to be like, "Oh, look, that Jase wanted to sleep with everybody in the room just then." I really lean the other way, and so I think you're saying a similar thing Dedeker of, if you know there's specific like concerns, or things that freak them out, you could try to lean the opposite way, because you've already got this thing really indicate that.

Dedeker: Freak them out in a different way. Dress like a Victorian coal miner, dress in--

Jase: Sure.

Dedeker: Dress in--

Emily: You're like a Victorian ghost.

Jase: Right. A ghillie suit. Just hide in the shrubbery outside of--

Dedeker: Just it's the art of the red herring. Give them something entirely different to be concerned about, so that the whole non-monogamy piece feels tame in comparison.

Jase: I like that. I don't actually, like, this is not a good idea.

Emily: No, we're joking here. I do have a serious question to ask, which is, if things do go off the rails a little bit, what then? If something happens where it starts to become a conversation that's getting a little heated, or a little bit uncomfortable. Somebody gets defensive, maybe, what then? How do we steer it back in a direction of feeling better about the whole situation?

I do think that some people will listen to this conversation and be like, "Okay, that's all well and good," but I've been as in a situation where somebody gets really upset about the fact that their little girl, or their little boy or whatever is hanging out with this polyamorous person, and it is really uncomfortable and things go south quickly, for instance, what then?

Dedeker: It's hard for me to think about, because I'm like, "I'll fight anybody. Whatever, dude." I can talk circles around you when it comes to the whole like non-monogamy. Do you know how many hours I've logged on a podcast-

Emily: No, I know.

Dedeker: -talking about this--

Emily: Hundreds and hundreds, but I know, Dedeker, you're good at fighting.

Jase: That's not a universal experience.

Emily: You're very good at fighting.

Dedeker: Am I good at fighting, Jase?

Jase: Yes. Okay. No, I think that's a great question. I also just wanted to backtrack a little bit to put a button on what we were talking about before, is that we're not necessarily saying that, if something about the way you look, or the way you dress is really a part of your identity, we're not saying hide that, or cover that up, but more, just try to understand where they're coming from to make yourself relatable as much as you can.

Understanding that everyone's unique, and you could be the most relatable person ever, and they still hate you at first sight, or maybe having spiky purple hair. That's the thing where they're like, "Wow, I love that. That's great." You don't know how anyone else is going to react, so I don't want to take that discussion to say you have to be a normie in every-

Emily: To be palatable.

Jase: -sense of the word. It's not necessarily that. I do think you bring up a great point, Emily, that, what happens if it goes off the rails a little bit.

Dedeker: That seems like that's good for your little pre-huddle between the two of you of figuring out, for instance, if the person whose parent this is feels like there is a risk it could go off the rails, then we can talk about, what's the party line? Is the party line just something like, "Hey, this is maybe getting into some uncomfortable territory where we're disagreeing."

Emily: We take a halt.

Dedeker: "Let's take a halt. Let's not talk about this. Let's change the subject, or something like this, or let's come back to this some other time." Maybe some people can receive that. Maybe some people won't. Then, I think you're getting into the skills that you need whenever anyone's on your case, or whenever a conversation is getting into bad faith questions, or people are getting triggered, or defensive, or things like that.

Then, it's trying to put on your best ability to regulate yourself enough to be able to put in a gentle, but clear boundary around, "We're not going to talk about this topic anymore, and we're going to shift gears."

Jase: I think definitely talking to the child of the parents in question is important, because they'll probably have more of a read on what's in the realm of possibility, and what works, or doesn't work. I know that, for me, for both of you, at different times, I've given you the briefing when meeting my grandparents when they were still alive.

Emily: Yes.

Jase: Of just like, "Here's the realm of things we will talk about, and here's the things that we won't." It's small. The realm of things we will talk about is small.

Dedeker: Oh, Jase, I never got to meet your grandparents.

Emily: Oh, really? Oh, I did.

Dedeker: Only Emily got that--

Emily: I did.

Jase: Oh, yes. You're right.

Dedeker: I think by the time I was in the picture, both your grandparents were gone.

Jase: You're right. I think we talked about it, but never actually met them.

Emily: I wasn't allowed to say that I didn't believe in God.

Jase: Oh, no, that's off limits. That was in the "don't talk about" category.

Emily: Now that I just bring that up randomly, but Just in case, don't.

Dedeker: Here I am, Emily. I'm dressed a ghillie suit. I'm here to tell you that I don't believe in God. Sue me. Let's fight.

Jase: Sure. That's a maybe a more silly, more extreme example, but I also knew going in, they might ask these things, and we'll just give vague answers, and that'll be fine. You can decide that. I do think that something that's easier said than done is, do what you can to keep your own side of the street clean. Meaning, like Dedeker was saying, regulating yourself, making sure that you are not the one who's jumping to defensiveness and argumentativeness, and thinking beforehand about, "Is this a fight that I need to fight? If these parents have some beliefs that I don't agree with, is that a fight that I need to fight?" You're not probably going to be the person who changes their mind. Definitely, not at this first meeting.

Maybe over the next several years, you might slowly change their mind just by existing, and being different than what they thought you would be. Just go in knowing the point of this is not to convince them. The point is not to save the world by changing these people's minds. Then also, just from a more practical standpoint, is before you go, if you're meeting for a meal. Usually, I feel like meals are involved with meeting parents.

Emily: This is brunch.

Dedeker: They did say-

Jase: It was brunch.

Emily: Freaking out at family brunch.

Dedeker: -freaking out family brunch.

Jase: Oh, freaking out at family brunch. Okay.

Dedeker: Do you have any brunch-specific advice, Jase?

Jase: Yes. This is actually any meal specific at all, and that's to don't show up hungry. Have some snacks beforehand, or eat shortly before. Basically, this means you might order less, or you'll end up more stuffed at the end, but just don't go in hungry. Go in with your sim meters, your resource bars not at the bottom. The worst that could happen is you go in hungry, and then there's a big delay, or something happens, and now you are starting to freak out physiologically on top of being nervous.

You can't help the fact that you're going to be nervous. To a certain extent, you can't do anything about that. At least, you can make sure you come in hydrated. Make sure you come in not hungover. If you're nervous, drinking the night before, don't do that.

Dedeker: Speaking of that, don't do what I did once when I had to come out to my aunt and uncle.

Jase: Which is show up drunk.

Dedeker: No, I didn't show up drunk, but another family relationship, where not a very wide-open channel for talking about sex and relationships, and I was so nervous. They didn't know that this is what this conversation was going to be about. I didn't prep them ahead of time. I knew what it was. I didn't prep them ahead of time like, "I got to talk to you about something important," or yada, yada, yada. They thought we were just going to have a nice meal. Then, it's on me to figure out how do I bring this up, when do I bring this up? In my nervousness and procrastination, I downed three cocktails-

Jase: Ooh.

Dedeker: -way faster than I ever drank anything ever. Then, I was drunk for the moment-

Jase: I see.

Dedeker: -let me tell you about what's going on in my life. Don't do that.

Jase: Don't be hungover. Get a good night's sleep the night before. I know this is absurd sounding, but really, it does help. Get enough sleep the night before. Be hydrated. Don't be super hungry. Hungry enough to eat some, but don't be super hungry. Have a little protein bar beforehand or something. Don't show up drunk, sure, or under the influence.

Emily: Or get drunk in the process of the entire conversation.

Dedeker: Modulate your drinking.

Jase: Don't drink while you're there. Modulate your drinking. Drink lots of water. Also, fun side benefit of drinking a lot of water and non-alcoholic drinks while you're at the meal, is that you get to go up and go to the bathroom a lot, which gives you a moment to reflect and think on things.

Emily: Decompress.

Jase: Maybe text your friends to ask for support. It gives you a little moment of reset. I'm personally a big fan of going to the bathroom during social gatherings, because I get overwhelmed very easily. It's my little escape and reset.

Emily: Love that.

Dedeker: You heard it here first. Folks, Jase loves going to the bathroom during social gatherings.

Jase: I do.

Dedeker: What are our main takeaways other than drink a lot of water, don't be hungry, don't be hungover, don't drink too much alcohol?

Emily: Have a plan-

Dedeker: Have a game plan.

Emily: -with your partner beforehand, potentially. Decide what is okay, what is off limits. Maybe talk about some of the things that you're a little worried about beforehand. Also, don't get defensive in general.

Dedeker: Try to make it a press conference.

Emily: Try to make it maybe a little bit more surface level, and that's going to be okay. Try to have them know the real you, but you don't have to go really intensely into your backstory. Be the person--

Dedeker: Not the person that turned us all off, you know?

Emily: Yes. I know. Not the inner workings of your mind, but just be your pleasant, lovely self, and lead with that, as opposed to all this other stuff.

Dedeker: Try to have fun.

Emily: If things get heated, try to take a halt. Use your multiamory tools.

Dedeker: Then, you can order three cocktails-

Emily: Gosh.

Dedeker: -and just go nuts.

Jase: Have that maybe after you're away from the family.

Dedeker: Then, you can get cocktail for everybody, and maybe that'll fix things.

Jase: I see. You're right. I suppose there's that option. I think remembering that this will hopefully not be your last meeting with them too, and just realize that time is going to be more powerful than any argument you can make, time and humanness. It may not come up at all during the meal. I think that-

Emily: It's true.

Jase: -surprises some people too. If you don't bring it up, they might not either, and they'll come out the other side still probably having a bunch of misconceptions about what your relationship's all about. You can get to those later. You can deal with those later. For now, it's just, "Hey, I'm a human who likes your child, and your child likes me, and we make each other happy. We're not arguing. We're not nitpicking each other in front of you. We're not giving outward signs of being unhealthy in our relationship."

Then, the other one I wanted to bring back was, as the child in this situation, the one whose parents this is, be sure that you've got a sense of this being something that you want to do going in, to try to help dispel any feelings the parents might have about this just being something that comes from the other person. Be able to answer some of their questions yourself if those come up, and to be able to express it in like, "This is what I believe. This is why I think these things," and not just put that all on your partner, because they're the outsider to your parents.

Emily: That's a good one. I hope that that was really helpful to all y'all out there, because I'm sure at some point or another, you're going to have to meet the parents, or your partner is going to have to meet your parents, and maybe that'll be challenging one way or another. Maybe there's going to be a whole, "Oh, are you non-monogamous?" Or, "I heard you were doing this weird relationship style. What's that all about?"