538 - When Knowing Better Doesn't Mean Doing Better
Knowing better is only half the battle
Current generations are the most therapy-literate to date, but we still struggle with healthy relationships. But sometimes knowing a lot about healthy communication and relationships can make us feel worse when we’re unable to put it into practice. For instance:
Internal pressure: feeling shame when old patterns repeat despite “knowing better,” or the exhaustion of trying to therapize your way through every interaction.
“I know better” phenomenon:
You know you should use "I" statements, but in the heat of an argument, you still find yourself saying "You always..."
You understand your attachment style intellectually but still feel anxious when your partner doesn't text back.
You've read about healthy boundaries but struggle to actually set them without feeling guilty.
You know communication is key but freeze up during difficult conversations.
Spiritual bypassing with psychology: Using therapeutic concepts to avoid difficult emotions or personal responsibility.
Intellectualization: Using analysis to avoid feeling feelings.
Cultural assumptions: How therapy speak assumes universal understanding of concepts that vary greatly across backgrounds.
Putting your values into practice
“Knowing better” might mean we’re losing the ability to have messy, authentic human conversations, and the focus of being “psychologically correct” can interfere with genuine human connections.
Putting your values into practice can be difficult, and you’re not alone if it’s something you struggle with. This is called the Value-Action Gap or Intention-Behavior Gap.
This is the discrepancy between what people say they value or believe and how they actually behave. People often express positive attitudes or intentions toward certain behaviors but fail to follow through with corresponding actions.
Common barriers to following through could be:
Individual barriers: Personal conflicting attitudes, lack of interest, or feeling like "the wrong type of person" for certain actions.
Responsibility barriers: Belief that it's not one's responsibility to act or cynicism about effectiveness.
Practical constraints: Lack of time, money, resources, or physical ability.
Why does the gap even exist?
Multiple factors influence behavior beyond just personal values.
Values are negotiated and sometimes contradictory.
People often act impulsively or out of habit rather than deliberate consideration.
Self-interest frequently outweighs altruistic values in decision-making.
How to change
Here are some ways to start following through with the knowledge you have about communication and healthy relationships!
Building self-efficacy:
Small experiments: Instead of trying to change everything, choose one tiny relationship behavior to practice consistently for a week.
Success tracking: Notice and celebrate small wins to build confidence.
Skill stacking: Add one new behavior only after the previous one feels automatic.
Acknowledge: Check in and notice your successes, especially anything that surprised you (how fast or easy certain parts were).
Reframe setbacks: From "I failed" to "What did I learn?" “What could be a different behavior to try?”
If This, Then That method:
Specific "if-then" planning creates automatic behavioral triggers that help translate goals into action:
Instead of relying on willpower, an automatic trigger can be easier to apply in daily life.
Works by creating strong associative links between situations and responses.
There is a large amount of research that shows making a plan for how you will implement a behavior in specific situations is effective, but we often focus more on learning than on planning for real life.
Makes situational cues highly accessible in memory.
Framework: "If X (situation) arises, then I will do Y (specific behavior)."
Examples:
"If I feel defensive during feedback, then I will take three deep breaths and ask a clarifying question."
"If my partner seems upset, then I will put down my phone and make eye contact before responding."
The key: Make plans specific, behavioral, and tied to specific triggers.
The Integration Practice - "Head, Heart, Gut Check:"
Background: Embodied cognition shows three cycles: self-regulation (gut), sensorimotor coupling (heart), and intersubjective interaction (head) Embodied Cognition and the Direct Induction of Affect as a Compliment to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Intellectual level: What do I think about this situation?
Emotional level: What do I feel in my body about this?
Somatic level: What does my gut/intuition tell me?
Integration question: Where do these align or conflict, and what does that tell me?
Practical application: Use before difficult conversations or relationship decisions.