537 - Breaking the Cycle: Releasing the Grip of Control
How do we control our partners?
Control can look like a lot of different ways. Some possible ways we might control another person, particularly a partner, could be:
Asking where they are or who they have hung out with that day. Trying to see what their schedule is so that you feel more secure and in the know.
Wanting to spend all of your time with that person and then feeling hurt if they have other things going on or other people to see.
Making fun of a partner or jabbing them in ways that might hurt them or put them down (even if it is done in jest).
Threatening to leave the relationship or giving ultimatums, i.e. saying things like, “my ideal relationship looks like ____.”
Keeping score on the relationship. Trying to determine the inherent “worth” of each of the things that you do for the relationship.
Pushing your partner too hard or doubting that they can do something they put their mind to.
Using “boundaries” to try to change a partner’s behavior or make sure that they don’t engage in things that you feel might harm the relationship.
Wanting aspects of the relationship to look “perfect” because one might see the relationship as a reflection of themself.
In non-monogamous relationships, exercising things like veto power, trying to put parameters on a partner’s time, having rules like OPP or OVP, or choosing to only date together rather than allowing each partner to enjoy relationships outside of the primary one.
Are you curious about how controlling you might be? Take this quiz to see if you have a propensity for control. It may help you approach your relationships differently!
Why do we feel like we need control?
There are a whole host of reasons why someone might want to control their environment or their partner. Some possible reasons could be:
They have poor self esteem and/or are deeply insecure. This insecurity might cause them to want to put their partner or others around them down so that they feel like they have more personal validation and in turn raise themselves up.
They have difficulty with emotional vulnerability. They might hold their partners at arms length and make excuses to keep emotional distance from their partner. Deep down they fear rejection.
They have unresolved trauma from their past or their family of origin. This can cause them to be overly sensitive and not be able to handle criticism or complaints well.
If they grew up with little order or predictability in their life, they may try to create this within their relationship by controlling their partner’s actions, decisions, and who they spend their time with.
They might be worried about their autonomy or sense of self being diminished and in turn try to restrict the independence of their partner.
They might have poor communication skills which results in gaslighting behavior or resorting to things like shouting or verbally berating their partner when in the midst of heated conflict.
Behavioral control: rules and structure for children as they grow and develop.
Psychological control: a specific way of trying to gain control, like refusing to look at your child if they've upset you, reminding them of all the things you've done for them, telling them how much it hurts you when they don't do what you want, etc.
This study found that teenagers whose parents exerted more psychological control (as opposed to behavioral control) had less supportive relationships later in life, were liked less by peers, and struggled approaching challenging social situations in a nuanced way.
Letting go
If you find yourself being too controlling of a partner, there are ways to exercise the skill of releasing some of the control you have. As adults, it’s important to recognize that the only thing we truly have control over is our own behavior, and we are only responsible for ourselves, and our own social, physical, emotional, and financial wellbeing.
Desire for control often comes from pain from our past, and working through trauma can help us relinquish our need to control others. Working with a therapist or coach is a good way to do this, but there are also some exercises that can be done on one’s own that can help:
Journaling:
Write about a recent interaction where you felt the need to control your partner. What happened, and how did you react?
How do these behaviors make you feel afterward? How do you think they make your partner feel?
Dig deeper into the emotions behind the desire to control. Are you feeling insecure, anxious, or fearful? Write about these feelings.
Are there past experiences or patterns that might be contributing to these emotions?
Reflect on how these control tendencies impact your relationship overall. What are you gaining, and what might you be losing?
Additionally, write down answers to these questions:
What things can I control in my life?
What things can I not control in my life/should not try to control?
After the above exercise, write out the following:
Describe what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like for you. What qualities and behaviors are present?
List two or three actionable steps you can take to release the need for control. Consider how you can turn controlling impulses into supportive actions.
Have your partner complete the section on what a healthy and balanced relationship would look like to them. Exchange your answers with them and reflect with your partner on how you can achieve those goals.
Write a commitment to having an open conversation with your partner about your reflections and intentions for change. Use your best tools for honest and thoughtful communication from your Multiamory toolkit.
Just like in RADAR or in the YourSELF boundaries exercise, revisit your entries periodically to track your progress and adjust your actions as necessary.
When communicating with partners in a more vulnerable and honest way, remember our communication tips and tools:
The Triforce of Communication to express what it is that each of you want and need in that moment.
HALT if the discussion gets too heated and you need to take a pause.
NVC or Clean Talk as a model of how to speak to a partner through observations about what happened, expressing personal feelings, stating what you need from your partner, and making a request of your partner.
Using something like a Plutchik wheel to help describe to your partner what your feelings are if you are having a difficult time attaching words to your feelings.
Repair attempts are any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control, help get the conversation back on track, and start reestablishing the connection between you and your partner.