554 - Persuasion or Coercion? Navigating Polyamory Under Duress
What is polyamory under duress?
Polyamory under duress (PUD) has a variety of different definitions among the community. Some of the definitions crowdsourced from the r/nonmonogamy subreddit, along with some points from Dan Savage and Lola Phoenix are:
Agreeing to do poly out of codependency rather than genuine personal curiosity. Both may involve negative feelings about/towards poly, but in the latter case, there is an internal drive to experience and learn from those negative feelings and eventually grow past them; whereas in the former, the negative feelings are merely to be endured, mostly driven by a fear of (external) abandonment.
Reluctantly agreeing to Polyamory in order to continue a relationship. In the absence of duress - pressure - they would not have agreed to the change.
Dan Savage has coined the term Tolyamory: a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners in a "socially monogamous" couple (a couple that presents as monogamous but is not fully exclusive) turn a blind eye to their partner’s extramarital sexual activity. Instead of actively endorsing non-monogamy, they tolerate it, raising ethical questions about consent and relational dynamics.
From Nonmonogamy Help by Lola Phoenix: Polyamory is often thought of as a conscious, thoughtful choice that aligns with personal values and needs. However, for some, polyamory is entered under duress—whether due to external pressure, a desire to save a relationship, or the influence of a partner's needs over their own. Polyamory under duress can lead to emotional confusion, dissatisfaction, and burnout, especially when the motivations behind the choice are not deeply personal.
There are a multitude of reasons why someone might find themselves in a PUD situation. A few examples:
A couple is opening up for the first time and one partner isn’t as excited about it as the other.
Someone starts dating another person, learns that they are non-monogamous, and chooses to stay in the relationship even though they have no interest in non-monogamy.
Two people are already non-monogamous and one person isn’t as enthusiastic about non-monogamy, but is fearful of losing the relationship and chooses to stay in a polyamorous configuration.
A member of a couple may theoretically or conceptually align with polyamory, but for whatever reason, their nervous system can’t handle it in practice.
How do I know if I’m in a PUD situation?
Ultimately you are the only one who can figure this out, but here are a few clues that might help you suss out your own situation:
Internal Conflict: You often find yourself questioning if polyamory truly aligns with your personal values or desires.
Emotional Turbulence: You experience heightened emotions like anxiety or stress when discussing or thinking about a polyamorous arrangement.
Communication Challenges: Discussions about your relationship dynamics feel more difficult or less productive than usual.
Prioritization of Others: Your personal needs and preferences are frequently set aside, either by you or your partner, leading to feelings of imbalance.
Desire for More Support: You find yourself wishing for an excess of emotional support or reassurance, or at the very least, more than you are currently receiving.
Uncertainty About Choices: Decisions regarding the relationship feel unclear, creating a sense of unease.
Feeling Overwhelmed: You often feel overwhelmed by the complexity of managing multiple relationships, (or even the thought of doing so) even if the relationships themselves are generally positive.
Physical Manifestations of Extreme Discomfort: You might have a loss of appetite for a number of days, adrenaline rushes, an overwhelming sense of anxiety, physical tremors, and more.
Feeling Resentment: You may feel as though you are giving or sacrificing much more than your partner is. These feelings can build resentment towards your partner over time that is difficult to overcome.
Lack of Autonomy: Doing something because your partner wants it and not because you are excited about it can create a sense of losing control of your own wants and needs and personal autonomy. If you feel like you can’t connect to any personal reason for being polyamorous, you might be in a situation of polyamory under duress.
When taking these situations into account we come to the question: Is polyamory under duress abusive coercion? Excellent persuasion on part of one partner? Or is it just a mismatch between what two people want in a relationship? How do you know the difference between being coerced and reluctantly choosing to stay in the relationship?
Before you label your situation as abusive or coercive, take a look at your situation and consider these points:
Feelings are not facts. Are you actually being forced to do something you don’t want to do, or do you just feel as though you are being forced to do something you don’t want to do? It can be very difficult to determine the difference between the two.
What is persuasion and what is coercion? Persuasion involves voluntary influence through reasoning and appeal, while coercion relies on threats, force, or pressure to compel action, removing genuine choice. Persuasion respects autonomy and seeks internal acceptance, whereas coercion undermines it, leading to compliance out of fear rather than genuine agreement. In other words, persuasion recognizes autonomy and allows for the possibility of one party saying no to the request. Coercion takes away autonomy.
Examples from listeners
Here are some examples from our listeners who felt like they had no choice but to stay in a relationship even though they felt uncomfortable with non-monogamy:
There is a threat of your partner leaving the relationship if you don’t comply with allowing them to be non-monogamous.
You are generally conflict avoidant, and don’t want to rock the boat by saying no to your partner.
You have a tendency to engage in people-pleasing behaviors and choosing to say yes to polyamory is an extension of that.
You have conflicting emotions about polyamory: for example, you’ve done it before without issue, but something about a new relationship your partner has begun causes you to go into a tailspin and have difficulty emotionally regulating.
You meet a new person and discover they are non-monogamous after you’ve been dating them for a while. You really like them and feel like you have no choice but to go along with non-monogamy even though you really don’t agree with it.
Some, but not all, mono/poly relationships include an element of polyamory under duress.
It’s important to point out that people engage in monogamy under duress as well. If one partner says they can’t be non-monogamous so the other partner decides to be monogamous for them, for example. Or they may feel as though they need to stay monogamous for kids, or have family pressure to maintain a monogamous relationship, and have tremendous guilt for wanting to engage in an alternative lifestyle.
The bottom line: either situation can result in someone not getting the type of relationship configuration they want. While it’s important and acceptable to compromise, you must ask yourself this question: “If this dynamic never changed, could I live like this (potentially) forever?” If the answer is no, it might be time for you to take steps to exit the relationship. If the answer is yes, there might be a way for you to navigate through the duress.
Navigating through duress
Here are some tactics for those who want to stay in the relationship and attempt to move through the feelings of duress:
Get clear on your desires and motivations. Encourage honest self-reflection about why you and your partner might want to do polyamory in the first place. Are these choices driven by genuine desire, or external pressures? Can both of you find an anchor, or a personal reason why you want to be polyamorous?
Set boundaries, preferences, and agreements. Encourage each other to identify and communicate personal boundaries and state your relationship preferences. Work together to create agreements with partners involved in the dynamic. This fosters the spirit of collaboration and experimentation.
Do regular check-ins. We recommend scheduling regular check-ins (like our RADAR framework) to discuss feelings, successes, and challenges. This also ensures all parties remain comfortable, consensual participants.
Seek consent. Reinforce the necessity of obtaining and giving genuine consent for the relationship structures you are participating in. Continue to check in and reevaluate if necessary. If the duress continues, and you simply feel like this structure is incompatible for how you view the trajectory of your life, it’s ok to break up.
Educate and research. If you are listening to this episode, you are already working towards educating yourself. Encourage anyone who you are in a relationship with to read books, attend workshops, or join support groups to better understand polyamory and navigate its challenges.
Encourage equality in decisions. Stress the importance of inclusive decision-making, ensuring that all partners have equal say in relationship dynamics.
Know when to seek professional help. Discuss challenges with a therapist familiar with non-monogamous relationships if things become too overwhelming.