543 - My Metamour Refuses to Meet Me: Listener Q&A

Today we’re tackling another question from one of our Supercast subscribers. We’ll be discussing the following question:

Hi all! I have been dating a partner for a little over a year, and about 6 months ago we began making the shift from monogamy to polyamory. Things have gone very well overall (in part thanks to you all!), and I have started dating another person who is in a similar situation of making the shift from monogamy to polyamory. This new partner of mine has been dating her other partner for about 8 months, and I am happy that my partner has her other partner. However, my metamour does not want to meet me. Furthermore, my metamour and I go to the same gym, and our common partner has asked me not to say hi to my metamour should I see them there, as it makes them uncomfortable. 

Upon further conversation, this common partner confided in me that my metamour has built resentment toward me because of missteps of our common partner in learning to be an effective hinge. It causes me stress to think that, not only does my metamour not want to meet me, but seems to have an unjust negative view of me.

I have communicated to my partner that I think a meeting between us metamours could be beneficial, but it's something my metamour is still not open to. I know research points to positive metamour relationships as being a potentially important factor in maintaining healthy polyamourous relationships. My question to you all is, can anything be done on my end to maintain a healthy relationship without meeting my metamour? I have asked our common partner to tell me some of the things she values about my metamour and their relationship in an effort not to build resentment back towards them, but I'm wondering if you have any additional advice as we navigate this new situation.

Thank you for your help!

Metamour meaning well in Minneapolis

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