534 - When We're Asked to Change (and When It's Okay to Refuse)
Have you ever been asked to change?
Today we’re talking about being asked to change, whether it’s behavior or deeper fundamental beliefs. Being asked to change by a partner can be scary and difficult, so we’re going to dive into the feelings that come up in these situations and when it’s okay to refuse when a partner asks it of you.
It can be scary when someone asks us to change, especially if it’s a deep fundamental change, solely on their behalf. But when we’re in long-term relationships, accommodations sometimes have to be made or behavior has to change, especially the more entwined peoples’ lives become. Asking for and receiving requests for change is an important skill to foster in yourself.
When we’re asked to change, we might feel some or all of the following emotions:
Spectrum of discomfort.
Feeling of failure.
Feeling of disagreement.
Sadness.
Embarrassment.
Frustration.
Rage.
It can be helpful to be emotionally honest about a change request, but we have to be careful not to stray into being emotionally punitive, toxic, or abusive when making a change request. It’s also vital that the one being asked to change takes the time to understand where the other person is coming from. The more compassion and understanding we have for each other the easier it can be to deal with the emotions coming up.
When ASKING someone to change, ensure that the request is:
Collaborative, by using “we” language instead of “you” language.
Positive.
Specific":
Requests for change that are specific (i.e. that state the action that the person should take to change) will elicit less resistance than requests that are vague (i.e. that simply complain about a situation without specifying what action should be taken).
Empathetic:
Does your partner recognize your feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, or remorse at being asked to make a change? Do they recognize there could be a potential for these feelings when being asked to change?
The point of this is not to “catch” or “grade” your partner, nor to disregard your partner’s request just because they didn’t make it in the “right” way. The point of the exercise to help offer a guide through the difficult emotions that may come up when you’re being asked to change.
Is it even ethically acceptable to ask someone to change?
Most or the research that exists on this topic focuses on requests around behavior change, rather than requests about fundamental identity or personality.
It is generally acceptable to ask for change concerning behavior, such as communication patterns, shared resource management, specific actions that impact the relationship in a direct way, or ways of showing love and appreciation.
It’s harder to accept change requests around things such as:
Identity.
Autonomous body decisions (appearance, medical decisions).
Other relationships, especially pre-existing ones.
Basic personality traits.
Mental health challenges or past traumas.
Some gray areas that can be considered are:
Changes to time spent with others, such as those in your social circle or with other partners.
Career choices or lifestyle choices that do impact the relationship.
Religious or spiritual practices that intersect with the relationship.
Some possible red flags or rubrics to consider:
Requests for changes that create closeness vs. create distance.
Requests for changes that promote growth vs. enforce control.
Requests that come with threats.
Requests that are demanded immediately without discussion or understanding.
Requests that isolate you from support systems.
Requests that require giving up your autonomy fully.
If this request to change feels unacceptable to you, figure out why that is.