529 - Yes, You Can Think Your Way Out of Your Feelings (Sometimes)
What is cognitive reappraisal?
Cognitive reappraisal is the notion that we can change how we think and feel about a given situation. This can be a tricky subject, because we know it’s important to feel our feelings, not silence ourselves, and not hold back our emotions, but at the same time, if we’re in a functional adult relationship, we also have to recognize that we can’t let our emotions run the show the entire time.
It might not be appropriate, for instance, to let your emotions show if you find something extremely funny during a work meeting, or if you’re feeling sad but pull yourself together to go to a party you promised to go to.
James Gross, a professor of psychology, published research in 1998 that looked at different ways we manage our emotions. He was inspired to look into this by the apparent contradiction that science had been saying about emotional regulation: psychological literature suggested emotional regulation was beneficial to mental health, but physical literature suggested that emotional regulation was detrimental to health and increased physiological activation.
Gross concluded from his research on antecedent- and response-focused regulation that instead of lumping emotional regulation tactics together, different kinds might have different effects on the mind and body.
In real life, how does this look?
Some ways this might look in real life are:
Changing the way you think about a situation before you get emotional (antecedent regulation):
Thinking of or acknowledging other perspectives, i.e. “Maybe they are struggling with time management, and we can work on that together.”
Response-focused regulation, or suppression, can look like:
Holding back tears.
Intentionally setting a neutral or unfazed facial expression.
Choosing not to express negative feelings to a partner.
According to more recent research, cognitive reappraisal can act as an inhibitor of communication conflict, but only for participants with low levels of negative urgency.
At high levels of negative urgency, more cognitive reappraisal was less effective in reducing communication conflict. This suggested that when experiencing strong emotions, the more reflective process of cognitive reappraisal may be less efficient in preventing impulsive behavioral responses.
Sisson et al. (2022) found that partners who reappraised showed more motivation to change, greater effort, better success, and both partners involved noticed improvement.
It’s important to note that research also suggests that using cognitive reappraisal as a way to modulate conflict might not work if you’re in a bad relationship.
Some things to try
If possible, carve out some time when you’re noticing an emotional response and try some reframes:
“I have to remember I love this person and we’re on the same team.”
“They might be scared or overwhelmed right now too.”
Get to know your body
There is a lot of value in identifying the “wave pattern” of your emotional triggers. Learning to identify when you’re at a 2 versus not noticing until you’re at a 9 is important.
Slowing down helps with this. Meditation/mindfulness can help with this.
If the train has already left the station and you’re experiencing intense emotion, do not proceed trying to cognitively reappraise your way through a conflict.
Instead, have a toolkit of strategies for emotional regulation, such as:
Asking for time.
Letting your body move through it.
Journaling it out.
Talking it out with someone.
Having a good cry or punch, dancing it out (away from the other person).
Remember that there is a place for emotional suppression; don’t laugh out loud when you’re in the audience watching your metamour’s terrible performance art.
Do a reality check. If there is a consistent pattern where you feel like you have to suppress your feelings around your partner, where you are routinely disrespected, neglected or personally criticized, etc., no amount of emotion regulation tactics will change that.
Cognitive reappraisal can absolutely be a gamechanger in managing relationship conflicts, it’s vital to remember that it’s not about forcing yourself to feel differently. It’s about expanding your perspective to see the full picture. The goal isn't to gaslight yourself into happiness, but to approach conflicts with both emotional awareness and cognitive flexibility.