579 - Polysaturation vs. New Poly Energy: Listener Q&A

Today we’re tackling another listener question from one of our Supercast subscribers. A quick disclaimer: We have spent a lot of time studying healthy relationship communication, but part of what makes relationships so interesting is that they are all different. Every situation is unique so we encourage you to use your own judgment and seek professional help if needed. Ultimately, you are the only true expert on your own life and feelings and your decisions are your own. This question has been edited for time and clarity.

The question we’re answering today is:

Hi Multiamory team,

I (she/her, cisgender lesbian) was in a monogamous relationship for 15 years before my wife and I opened up about a year and a half ago. I met my wife when I was 18, so essentially my entire adult life, until very recently, was spent in monogamy. In the process of opening up, I discovered I'm polyamorous, and ultimately we separated about six months ago and I've been navigating the separation alongside all of this emotional upheaval.

Since opening up, I've built a pretty full relationship landscape. I have three partners — one I see almost every day, one I see weekly, and one I see monthly.
One of my partners and I have also recently begun exploring kink together — including sex parties — and I'm genuinely loving that. 

But I’ve noticed that even with all of this, I find myself peeking at dating apps and feeling pulled toward the thrill of first dates and new connections. I wonder if part of what I’m craving is something more solo, my own independent exploration, given that I went from being 18 married, straight into a year and a half of opening up largely alongside her, and now into a full constellation of relationships. I’m not sure I’ve ever really had space to date and discover myself entirely on my own terms.

So I'm genuinely unsure: is this a real unmet need for solo adventure, new connections, or something my current relationships can't provide, or is it distraction from the enormity of everything else I'm processing right now — the separation and the ongoing work of figuring out who I am after a lifetime of monogamy?

Warmly, More Feelings Than Calendar Space (she/her)

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Transcript

If you find any transcription errors, please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.

Emily: I do think it is that larger question of, do we date because we want to shy away or hide something else that is happening within us that's maybe challenging that we don't want to face? And I don't know if real work needs to be done along the lines of mourning the loss of this relationship and how long that takes, especially a relationship of that length and how meaningful and presumably intense it was being a marriage. I do think that sometimes dating might be a Band-Aid as opposed to really clearly looking at how much pain is still there in the loss of a relationship.

Jase: Welcome to the Multiamory Podcast. I'm Jase.

Emily: I'm Emily.

Dedeker: And I'm Dedeker.

Emily: We believe in looking to the future of relationships, not maintaining the status quo of the past.

Dedeker: Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, casually dating, or if you just do relationships differently, we see you and we're here for you.

Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we're tackling a listener question about a subtle distinction a lot of people run into. How do you tell the difference between feeling polysaturated in a good way, that contented sense of I have enough, versus feeling restless in a way that signals you want something new? And how do you separate either of those from the noise of life upheavals and changes, like a breakup of a long-term relationship where your sense of self is getting rewritten underneath you? If you're interested in learning about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on this show, you can check out our book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, which covers some of our most-used communication tools for all types of relationships. You can find links to buy it at multiamory.com/book or wherever fine books are sold.

Emily: Quick disclaimer before we start: we've spent a lot of time studying healthy relationship communication, but part of what makes relationships so interesting is that they're all different and every situation is unique. So we encourage you to use your own judgment and seek professional help if needed.

Dedeker: Remember, ultimately, if you're listening, you're the only true expert on your own life and feelings. Your decisions are your own. And also, this question has been edited for time and clarity.

Jase: So here's the question that we got just recently. Hi, Multiamory team. I was in a monogamous relationship for 15 years before my wife and I opened up about a year and a half ago. I met my wife when I was 18, so essentially my entire adult life until very recently was spent in monogamy. In the process of opening up, I discovered I'm polyamorous, and ultimately we separated about 6 months ago because she wanted monogamy and I wanted non-monogamy. And I've been navigating that separation alongside all of this emotional upheaval. Since opening up, I've built a pretty full relationship landscape. I have 3 partners, one that I see almost every day, one who I see weekly, and one who I see monthly. One of my partners, the one I see every day, and I have also begun exploring kink together, including sex parties, and I'm genuinely loving that. But I've noticed that even with all of this I find myself peeking at dating apps and feeling pulled toward the thrill of first dates and new connections. I wonder if part of what I'm craving is something more solo, my own independent exploration, given that I went from being 18, married, and straight into a year and a half of opening up largely alongside her, and now into a full constellation of my own relationships. I'm not sure I've ever really had a space to date and discover myself entirely on my own terms. So I'm genuinely unsure. Is this a real unmet need for solo adventure, new connections, or something my current relationships can't provide? Or is it distraction from the enormity of everything else I'm processing right now— the separation and the ongoing work of figuring out who I am after a lifetime of monogamy? Warmly, more feelings than calendar space, she/her.

Emily: Yeah, wow, that's a lot to unpack there. I cannot imagine getting married very, very young, going through a 15-year relationship, and coming out on the other side, deciding, wow, I realize I want this other thing. That's an entirely different paradigm of what I grew up with, what I was just a part of for so long. And that can put a person in a really, really heady space. I think it is completely understandable to get caught up in the excitement of feeling like a new person for the first time.

Jase: Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

Emily: Yeah. Yeah, this experience of not only am I not partnered to this person that I basically spent most of my adult life with and was married to in a very, in a monogamous way. And that looks a very specific way and you do very specific things within that type of relationship versus, wow, I'm discovering all these new different parts of myself. I'm getting to discover facets of myself through the lens of others and see what that's like. And then also I'm wondering, wow, is there even more out there to discover and what might be in store for me with new opportunities as well? And I get it. I think that all of those things are really exciting. I went through my own sense of that, when I left my really long monogamous relationship and wanted to go out and explore and be with new people and go on a bunch of adventures and do a bunch of new things. And all of that, I think, makes a lot of sense that you want to explore during this time in your life. And I do think that it's a great question to ask, am I just wanting to experience all this newness, or is there a genuine underpinning of I am a solo polyamorous person and therefore I need to express myself in a specific way? Or is it just getting caught up in the excitement of the moment?

Jase: As I've been thinking about this question, I feel like this is another one that would be helpful to peel apart some of those different pieces like you were mentioning, Emily. And so I think, there's one question of this: what does being polysaturated look like? Do I have all the partners I can realistically have? Which is kind of related to the question of, do I have enough? And those two aren't necessarily the same thing, right? And clearly this person feels like I've got a lot going on but don't feel like I have enough, or at least I have interest in more. That's one piece of it. But then separate and overlapping is this question of, is it not about having enough but more about I just want new stuff, right? That I want those feelings of new connection or new ways of dating. And then I guess the third piece that they mentioned, that they only broke up with their wife 6 months ago, which is like zero time when you look at a 15-year relationship, right? That's instantaneously— it's like it just happened the other day. And there's that whole reprocessing your whole identity without that relationship, in addition to this whole being non-monogamous now. So there's kind of the identity shift piece, there's the wanting new stuff piece, and then there's the do I feel like I actually have enough piece. And I think it's worth kind of looking at all of those on their own. So they said they didn't specifically say they don't have time for more dating, but their sign-off name was more feelings than calendar space, which to me implies maybe that's a bit of an issue.

Emily: Uh-huh.

Jase: Yeah, that they have this desire, but not a lot of time for it or worry that they wouldn't have time for more relationships.

Dedeker: Well, something that's also interesting is, yeah, so the relationship with their wife ended 6 months ago, but in their relationship landscape, they have a partner that they say that they see almost every day. And while it doesn't sound like that partner has become like a carbon copy of the marriage or anything like that, but being in a relationship where you're seeing somebody every day is like, yeah, that takes up a lot of your time and a lot of your mental focus. And especially if you're kind of going to parties and exploring kink together, and it sounds like maybe showing up as a couple, that implies a particular level of relationship investment and entwinement. And which is maybe a good thing, right? Like maybe this is what you want, right? Or maybe this is what it organically grew into. But I am reflecting on how, yeah, like coming out of a 15-year married partnership and maybe not even necessarily having a ton of alone time could be part of this too.

Jase: That's a great point, the alone time piece. I know that seems to go against their question coming from, I keep looking at dating apps and wanting to date more people, but maybe that is just kind of— they framed it more as self-exploration or solo poly dating, and maybe it is actually time to themself, even though that sounds scary or less fun to do. But maybe that actually is what some part of them is seeking. Yeah.

Emily: And there's a big difference between being very entwined with someone and seeing them every day. And clearly that person, they said that they had been seeing for a year and a half. So they had been seeing them for a year before their marriage broke up. And yeah, so this is like—

Jase: They've been through a lot probably too.

Emily: Exactly like a longstanding, long-lasting relationship that they decided to continue even when the marriage that they had with this other person broke up. Right. So definitely, I mean, being solo poly or rather just being single looks very, very different than being entwined with someone that you see every single day and then having these kind of more secondary or comet-type partnerships that it sounds like they have as well. So it does just sound like a lot of change all at once. And I, of course, I have not ever taken this advice, but I have absolutely gotten the advice from people that, yeah, when you break up a long-term relationship, it is wise to be alone for a while and really explore a bunch of new things about yourself, go on different journeys, travel or read books or, take up new hobbies or whatever it is to do some self-exploration. But it sounds like—

Jase: Are you suggesting they eat, pray, love? Is that what you just said?

Dedeker: Maybe.

Emily: I might have, yes. But rather, it sounds like the self-exploration is coming in the form of other people. And not that that's a bad thing. That, I think, can be a great, lovely, exciting thing. But I would agree that some of that exploration needs to come from within. And not necessarily from other people.

Dedeker: Yeah, I had a question about that too, because on the one hand, of course, this is a podcast where we talk about non-monogamy, so we can acknowledge the fact that when you date multiple people, it brings different facets of yourself to the surface, and it can be a really, really wonderful way to learn all kinds of new things about yourself. And it is a question of where if you suspect that you might be saturated, that's probably an indication that you are. I think it's safe to say that if you suspect as much, it might be safer to lean into that. And that this could be a place of experimentation for this person, right? Of if I create an experiment around, okay, maybe for the next month or so, instead of being on the apps, I'm gonna let that space just be there and then see what happens. How do I entertain myself? What am I drawn to? Do I invite my existing partners into this space that's opened up or not? Or do I go make a new friend? Or do I go join a new hobby group or whatever? That's a place of experimentation just to see what happens when you're not filling that space or that urge with new connections. And maybe you get to the end of that container or that month and you're like, I don't know, that sucked, that was kind of boring, I think I still want to explore new people. That's still interesting data, but I think it is important to run the experiment and see.

Jase: I'd agree with that. I think that also being in a monogamous relationship for a long time can also— maybe this isn't true for the question asker, but I know it's been true for me in the past— but can kind of shrink your closeness with your friend group on your own. Like, maybe you've got a couple friends and you do a lot of stuff in sort of the broader friend group, but sometimes your own just personal connections with your friends can atrophy a little bit because you're not really expected to prioritize that as much. It's all expected to happen within your monogamous relationship. And so part of this gap you're feeling and wanting to experience more of yourself could also be fulfilled through that. And maybe starting with social groups or hobby groups or things like Dedeker said is a way to do that. It kind of depends on is it you have friends and you could just connect with them more, or is it you want to build up new friendships, or you just want to connect with more people, learn more things, have new experiences that don't just have to be dating. But to kind of look at that of like, what else might be ways I could be getting what I want? We've talked about this before when it comes to sex, where if you're seeking out new relationships because you just want to be having sex, maybe there's ways you could be doing that through play parties or something that you go to on your own to try to get some of that need met, get that exploration done without it having to be, and adding another person that I'm going to be putting on my calendar regularly. We've talked about that in the past, but you could also think about that if the need isn't so much about the sex but about the connection and the exploration of myself and friendship. That could also come through these other types of avenues besides just dating someone. And I think being in a long-term monogamous relationship, sometimes it's hard to break out of that mental way of thinking of like, this is how I get close and interact with people is by dating apps, right?

Emily: Yeah.

Dedeker: Yeah. Yeah.

Jase: I want to get into a little bit more of the breakup piece and some research about that. But first, we're going to take a quick break to talk about our sponsors for this show. We do really appreciate them. Give them a listen. Take a moment. Check out the ads. We try to be funny while we do them. We try to be interesting, try to give you good advice. But check them out, use our promo codes or our links in the show description. That does really help support our show. And of course, if you'd rather support us directly, you can go to multiamory.com/join and you can join our community there. You get ad-free episodes that come out a day early, as well as access to our community and our monthly video processing groups and stuff like that. We'd love to have you as part of the group.

Jase: I mentioned that I want to get into breakups. And how that changes you. And I want to talk about this study here, and this is a 2010 study called Who Am I Without You? The Influence of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Conception. It's a very poetic way of saying that. Yeah, yeah. And of course, as always, this is all based on monogamous relationships. And so maybe some things can be different in non-monogamy, but in this question asker's case this is a monogamous relationship, and I think that this all still applies here. Basically, the core finding, the core thing that they were looking at here is, after a breakup, how do people's concept of themselves change across their various life domains? And basically the question of how clear are you on who you are? Which sounds like such a huge question to ask, but they found that this conception of who you are as a person drops after a breakup of a long-term relationship, and that it's not like, oh, as soon as I break up, there's this drop and then I'm rebuilding myself, that actually that drop gradually happens over the few months after you've broken up. So thinking about the question asker here, where she very well might be at some of the lowest of that, I don't even know who I am, which I could see being that, yeah, I want to meet new people, I want to have new experiences, I want to figure that out, right? I want to—

Dedeker: I need to recreate— yeah, I need to rebuild identity for myself, right?

Jase: So based on their research, this 6-month window is like exactly when you're the most kind of unsure of yourself. You're in the trough of that. Now, I do want to say that this isn't a bad thing, that when the authors looked at this, they actually framed this loss of sense of self as potentially adaptive. That there's a reason for this. And this reduce in your clarity of who you are might be necessary for individuals to recover from a breakup and to do that rebuilding of who they are.

Dedeker: Interesting.

Jase: Instead of just trying to hang on to that one identity, if they identified with it too strongly, you could have this mismatch of, I want to still identify with that me, but my circumstances have now changed, that that might be less adaptive. And so I'm not trying to say you don't know who you are and you're failing because of that. It's like, no, this is good. And I think you, question asker, are acknowledging that in a way. He's saying, I'm seeking out these new experiences. Do I need this time to date on my own or have more solo experiences? And it seems like the research indicates yes, there is a certain amount of that needing to rediscover yourself. Now, whether that is just dating more or is these other things we've been talking about, that's the part I'm not as sure about. I guess I worry a little bit about burying oneself in dating, right? Just kind of throwing yourself hard into that.

Emily: We've all been there.

Jase: We've all been there.

Emily: But yeah, I do think it is that larger question of do we date because we want to shy away or hide something else that is happening within us that's maybe challenging that we don't want to face? And I don't know if real work needs to be done along the lines of mourning the loss of this relationship and how long that takes, especially a relationship of that length, and how meaningful and presumably intense it was being a marriage. I do think that sometimes dating might be a Band-Aid as opposed to really clearly looking at how much pain is still there in the loss of a relationship.

Dedeker: The thing I wonder about is that sometimes when we get out of a relationship, our recovery process involves trying to overcorrect and swing really hard in the opposite direction. So, I mean, the way that this person talks about the end of the relationship, they don't mention it being necessarily horrifically traumatic or anything like that, but it was probably heavy and difficult. I can't imagine that it was easy. And so sometimes, yeah, dealing with the discomfort and pain of that can be shifting into, well, I just need to make sure that nothing I do at all resembles that relationship, or no partner that I date resembles that previous partner, or I really need to make sure that nothing in my life resembles this monogamy that I was in. And so yeah, sometimes it can be this forced assertion of who I really— I really need to keep taking on new people to like really prove to myself in the world that this is not the relationship that I'm going to be in again. Also flirting with the solo poly identity, that it can be hard to sift through, is this what I align with, or is this just that this is on the opposite side of the spectrum from my mostly monogamous, married, very coupled life, right? And I really want to get away from anything that might resemble that. And again, this person didn't mention this, but I would guess that now having this particular partnership where you're seeing each other every day, I don't know if you're getting a little freaked out by that, of like, oh no, is this starting to—

Emily: I've never done that.

Dedeker: Yeah, is this starting to be too couple-y? Is this starting to— is this starting to resemble too closely my previous relationship? And so I feel the need to pull away from that. Yeah, it's, it's— I guess I'd want to encourage this person to also look at, are there fears underneath? Like, if you imagined telling yourself, okay, like, no, I'm not going to go explore and I'm not going to go date for the time being, what's the immediate fear that then comes in? And that'll probably tell you a lot.

Jase: I know that we've been coming to this relationship ending quite a bit here as well, and I just wanted to point out too that the question asker has not framed this as, I'm mourning, I'm having a hard time with this relationship ending. However, I think all of us keep coming back to that, 'cause, like, you can't not be. And I think that something worth looking at there is, you know, there are various versions of this quote floating around. I think that the main one is from Harry Levinson from 1972, which is that "All change involves loss, and all losses must be mourned." And so— even if you see this as a positive change overall, it's still a big change. And that change involves loss, and loss involves needing to be mourned, right? That, that is, that is a hard thing to go through. That is a big transition. So I just want to throw that out there in case you, question asker, are like, no, but I'm not, but I'm not sad. That's not what it is. That there is, there is still stuff you need to process. There's stuff you have to go through. I think another piece of this, and I think Emily kind of implied it earlier, was saying, haven't we all been there to a certain extent, is that I think there's this thing that I'm going to call New Poly Energy. I feel like other people have maybe called it that before online. I don't think I just invented that, but if I did, you know, TM, TM, TM, that's mine now. But yeah, New Poly Energy is that thing of you've gone from feeling like the dating world is limited in this certain way, either because other people become unavailable when they're dating someone or you become unavailable once you start dating someone. To suddenly, oh, I could date everyone. At least everyone who's non-monogamous too are open to it, so I should. Okay, I have all these options now. I'm suddenly allowed to go to the candy store and I want to eat all of the candy. That— I think there's that too, which is adding to all this. So I think there's the whole self-identity and the wanting to do the opposite of what you were doing before, but then there's also this whole new world's been opened up to you, and now suddenly it's like, I want to explore all of it right now. And I can't wait. And I think that's one that's worth looking at here too. And I don't know if that's bad or not. What do you think? I know I definitely went through this of just dating a ton. I think I was also maybe using it to deal with some grieving that I was having at the time as well, again, because that change, right, the change that you need to grieve.

Emily: Yeah, I do think that a lot of us starting out in non-monogamy will go through this New Poly Energy and just be excited about the possibility of being able to date as many people as we want. I do think also, depending on the time in one's life, that can ramp up or ramp down, maybe for different reasons. Like, our decisions to date multiple people might be because we just have more bandwidth, more capacity to date more people than at other times. And maybe right now this person is going through a period of time in their life where, wow, I feel like I can date a bunch of people, and so I'm gonna go for it. But I do think that it's very dependent on where you are and what your circumstances are like at that particular moment, and that's something to be aware of. And I would just encourage this person because of all of these new changes to not just go buck wild because they can, but maybe halt a little bit, maybe put on the brakes a touch just because all of these things are very intense, I think, probably for your nervous system, for your psyche, for everything going on in your life. And they could have lasting ramifications if you get in a situation where you're overly, overly saturated and then you have to start saying no to people. Feelings get hurt, misunderstandings happen. I think it's better at this point maybe to err on the side of caution. Whatever that looks like to you, as opposed to jumping in with both feet to the deep end as soon as possible, just because you feel like, I'm going to do it, I want to, and so I'm going to.

Dedeker: Especially because this is probably not the only time in your life that you're going to have the energy or capacity to be exploring new connections as well. I know, I think sometimes I've fallen victim to this, that there can be this fear of, oh, I'm saturated now and so I'm locked in and this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Yeah, and that's not necessarily the case, right? Because not only do relationships shift and change and what they need and how much of your bandwidth and how much of your time that they take up, you know, unfortunately sometimes relationships end even when you don't want them to. Job situations change, life circumstances change, right? And so, yeah, it's this reminder that this is really precious time to be able to attend to what it is that you need to grieve. It is really precious time to be curious about who you are and discovering who you are outside of just using other people to discover that. And, if you anticipate you're going to be non-monogamous for the long haul, there's probably going to be other chapters of your life where it's going to feel more appropriate to turn to the dating apps and kind of explore these new connections and find joy. But if you're suspecting there might be something underneath this, then why not experiment and just see what comes through?

Jase: Yeah, I like that. So I have a few little suggestions or tools I came up with. I want to go through these quickly, and I'm curious, Dedeker and Emily, to get your sort of review of these as we go. So the first one here is about the question of, am I seeking something I'm missing right now, or do I just want something new? And this is basically when you feel that urge to pick up the dating apps, or you think about doing that, is to ask yourself, what is it that I'm seeking? Is that something that I'm not getting from my partners, or is it just more of the same thing I'm already getting? To kind of get to that question of, is it just that I want more new experiences, or is this actually something I just don't have right now as a thing to explore? Okay, the next one we kind of suggested earlier, and this is the solo self-expansion experiment. And so this is for a month, try just deliberately solo expansion. So no dating apps, no new connections like that, but just finding novelty that's yours, like new activities, especially if there's anything that you used to do before you got into your monogamous relationship that you could pick back up as a hobby or an something like that, of explore a facet of yourself that you haven't and see how that goes. For a month, right? It's just data. The third one is going back to the grief thing and basically going back to this thing of, you're only 6 months out, you're still in the peak of this not having your self-identity. And to also understand that grief shows up as craving, because when we're grieving, our things like our dopamine receptivity is lower. And so we're not getting as much of that feeling of dopamine hit. We've maybe got more stress, so our cortisol is higher. These are all things that are really well documented in addiction recovery, that someone could be recovered from addiction and then something happens in their life that makes them grieve, and that's when they fall back into it because you're seeking to solve the suffering you're having from not having enough of these hormones going on in your body. And dating someone new is a great way of getting dopamine. And so I think there could be something there too, to see, is this actually an itch coming from grief of, I just want to not have to feel the things that I'd be feeling if I weren't getting this supplement of dopamine? I know that one's a little harder to take, but that's that one. And then the fourth one is to talk to your existing partners about it, if you haven't already, to say, I'm feeling this pull and I'm not sure what it means. I'm feeling this urge to date more, I don't know what that's about. I think that's especially if you worry that dating new people means less time them. And maybe they'll be like, cool, great, do it. Or they'll be like, oh, actually, that would suck if you spent more time with other people. And what you do with that information, I don't know. Maybe again, like I think Dedeker said, or maybe Emily said, of if you're spending every day together, maybe that's starting to freak you out a little bit and you go, actually, I need some more space. But to that one of just talking with your existing partners about, here's the urges I'm having, kind of like this question, maybe have them listen to this episode and be like, what do you think I'm doing? Maybe they have some insights that we don't. All right, there's my 4. What do you think? What do you think of them?

Dedeker: Yeah, I think that's solid. I love it.

Emily: I especially like the solo self-expansion theory. I think that that's something that I would like to get more into this year for sure. Like getting back into hobbies, even yoga or maybe doing a dance class or something along those lines. Just because we do so often get caught up in work. The things that we have to do to make money to survive in this world. And then we put pretty much all the rest of our time into our partners if we have them, or seeking partnerships or something along those lines. Hopefully also friendships and things like that. But, but real solo activities of what can I do for myself to expand and broaden my own horizons? I think that's really, really important and a good probably temperature check for you to see, am I getting what I'm craving and what I need out of this new hobby or activity instead of just going to seek out new partnerships.

Jase: For sure. Thank you so much for writing in, More Feelings Than Calendar Space. We really appreciate it and we wish you all the best. I think a lot of people can relate to many pieces of what you're going through, so you're definitely not alone here. We also have a question of the week for all of you out there to share. And we will repost these anonymously so you can be open about it. And the question is, did you experience New Poly Energy and wanted to date all the people? Let us know. I know that I went through that for sure. Very curious to hear from all of you. And of course, if you want to talk about this episode in more depth, the best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is in our episode discussion channel on our Discord server, or you can post in our private Facebook group and you can get access to both of these by going to multiamory.com/join. And you'll also get ad-free episodes for that. You can share with us publicly on Instagram @multiamory_podcast.

Jase: Multiamory is created and produced by Emily Matlack, Dedeker Winston, and me, Jace Lindgren. Our production assistant is Carson Collins. Our theme song is "Forms I Know I Did" by Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. The full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.