544 - Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships by Seeking Security?
Seeking security
We engage in a lot of behaviors that stem from our drive to seek security in our relationships. Sometimes we end up sabotaging our relationships because we’re over-seeking security, too. Have you ever found yourself:
Checking your partner's social media more than you'd like to admit.
Asking "Do you still love me?" repeatedly.
Feeling anxious when your partner doesn't text back quickly.
Over-researching relationship decisions.
Avoiding bringing up concerns.
Seeking constant validation.
"Future-proofing" conversations.
Feeling uncomfortable with your partner's independence.
What makes seeking security more common now? Seeking security has always been something people do, but it’s more prevalent now than ever for a few different reasons:
Economic uncertainty creates emotional uncertainty - when external stability feels threatened, we seek security in relationships to compensate.
Social media amplifies comparison - we're constantly seeing curated versions of "perfect" relationships.
Dating app culture - the knowledge that there are always other options can trigger security-seeking.
Delayed life milestones - traditional markers of "stability" feel out of reach, so relationships carry more security pressure.
Information overload - we know more about relationship psychology than ever, but knowledge doesn't always equal emotional security.
Excessive seeking of reassurance can have the adverse effect of causing partner fatigue, erosion of trust, and can amplify anxiety.
Security paradoxes
The three paradoxes we see when it comes to seeking security are the dependency paradox, the control paradox, and the intimacy paradox. Let’s explore all three of these:
The Dependency Paradox - Clinging Creates Distance
We often think being "independent" is the goal, a holdover from outdated warnings against "codependency."
However, attachment research shows the opposite: the more securely we can depend on our partner as a safe base, the more independent and confident we become.
People who feel truly secure in their relationships are more, not less, likely to pursue their own interests and friendships.
The Control Paradox - Certainty Destroys Trust
When we feel uncertain, our instinct is to try and eliminate it by seeking guarantees or controlling outcomes.
But trying to eliminate all uncertainty makes a relationship fragile. Research shows that people with a low tolerance for uncertainty have worse mental health outcomes.
Think about it: removing uncertainty from a movie with spoilers reduces enjoyment. It's the same in relationships; growth requires some mystery.
True security isn't eliminating risk; it's building trust that you can handle the unknown together.
The Intimacy Paradox - Fusion Kills Desire
There's a difference between intimacy (connection) and fusion (becoming one).
Researcher Esther Perel states, "When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire."
Desire requires some separateness; there has to be someone to connect with.
Similarly, seeking security through constant information, like monitoring social media, leads to overload and comparison, which actually decreases your well-being and relationship satisfaction.
Tools to help
So how do we stop excessive security-seeking behavior? Here are some tools!
Do an Awareness Audit (Identify and break patterns)
This part is just for you, to better understand your own behavior and build a stronger sense of sense.
Purpose: To clearly identify which security-seeking behaviors are actually pushing connection away and to reconnect with your own sense of self.
The Exercise:
List Your Behaviors: Write down 3-5 specific things you do to feel more secure in your relationship (e.g., asking "Do you still love me?", checking their social media, needing to know their exact schedule, avoiding disagreements).
Apply the "Connection Test": For each behavior, ask honestly: "Over time, does this action create more genuine connection, or does it create more distance and anxiety?"
Reclaim Your Self: Schedule one small activity this week that is just for you—something you enjoy or that helps you feel capable on your own. This isn't about creating distance, but about remembering your own wholeness.
Why It Works: This is rooted in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). By identifying and evaluating your behaviors, you interrupt the automatic cycle. Recognizing the negative consequences (distance) provides the motivation to change, and practicing separateness builds the self-reliance needed to do so.
The Action Flip (Change the Behavior)
This part is where you apply this in your relationships (of any kind! Not just romantic)
Purpose: To consciously choose a different, more constructive action when the urge for anxious security-seeking arises.
The Exercise:
Notice the Urge: Feel the familiar anxiety and the impulse to perform one of the behaviors from your audit.
Pause and Breathe: Take one deep breath.
Do the Opposite (The "Flip"): Instead of the old behavior, choose an action that gives security rather than demands it.
Instead of asking for reassurance -> Give a specific compliment or appreciation.
Instead of demanding to know their feelings -> Share one of your own vulnerable feelings without blame.
Instead of avoiding a topic to keep the peace -> Gently express your perspective on something small.
Recite the Mantra: As you sit with the discomfort of not doing the old behavior, silently repeat: "I can handle not knowing. This feeling is temporary."
Why It Works: This is a behavioral technique grounded in exposure therapy and DBT's "Opposite Action." You are actively rewiring your brain's response to anxiety. By tolerating the discomfort without resorting to the old habit, you teach your nervous system that you are safe and capable, thereby building true resilience.