531 - What's Wrong with Enjoying Consensual Sex with Multiple People? Listener Q&A
Our listener questions this week are:
"I have a great relationship with my partner Finn. Except for one tiny thing: he refuses to use the L word because he firmly believes that it doesn’t mean anything since people use it to mean different things. And he has a history of being manipulated and guilt-tripped in past relationships because of ""love"" so he prefers using all other love languages. For him, kind gestures, attentions, gifts etc. are a lot more meaningful and I understand that, but he is also SO firm on his refusal to say I love you. I don’t doubt that he does, but if he does, why not say it? I’m used to it now but sometimes I feel like he wants to say it but prefers hanging on his belief that it means nothing. Have you ever encountered that?
I love your show, thank you so much for doing this!"
Loveball from Montreal
"Hi folks! I'm a 32 year old queer woman (she/her). I grew up in a sheltered, puritan environment where only straight/cisgendered/monogamous relationships were entertained. Sexual identity exploration outside of that was unheard of. I was able to survive that environment and come out as queer in young adulthood and, before I was able to explore my sexuality any further, I met and entered into a monogamous relationship with my future wife (who I'll call Hillary, she/her). We are still in love 11 years later and have three amazing kids together.
Hillary and I started experimenting with ENM about a year and a half ago. It opened me up to so many wonderful emotions, experiences, and ideas. It felt like home. However, it was nothing of the sort for Hillary. She found it unexciting, and painful. All cons and no pros. We closed back up after 4 months and started couples counseling.
I've experienced a lot of distress in closing up and I finally realized that a contributing factor to my distress is that I identify as polyamorous! This past year has felt akin to being in the closet like I was in my teens and early 20s - a miserable place marked by inauthenticity and shame.
So I've decided that, even though I am committed to Hillary, and accept that we may open back up one day in the future but we also may not, I need to come out as polyamorous. I have lived in a closet before and I refuse to do it again! Hillary understands and is comfortable with my choice to do this.
So far, I've come out to my sister and a close friend. I've subscribed to Multiamory and joined the discord community. What are other non-sexual/non-romantic ways to express and honor the polyamorous part of my identity? And if I may be allowed a follow-up, how do I shed the discomfort of explaining that I identify as polyamorous but am not actively looking for romantic connections?”
Anticlimactic Coming Out
"I'm new to polyamory and when I talk to friends/family, I feel some of them think it is just about sex and is unethical (particularly those who are religious). I want them to understand that I'm making strong, meaningful connections and that sex is just one part of that, much like their monogamous relationships.
Even so, what's wrong with enjoying consensual sex with multiple people?"
Out and Proud, but Misunderstood
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