527 - Why Your Search for Closure Isn't Working
Types of closure
After a relationship ends, there are two types of closure we tend to seek: either the need for answers and understanding or the need for processing and acceptance.
The first type of closure is often characterized by:
Putting the puzzle pieces together.
Asking yourself “Why did this happen?”
Ruminating on “How could I prevent this from happening again?”
The second type usually consists of:
Seeking a felt sense of ease or lightness.
Ability to “move on” and focus on other things.
A restored sense of normalcy.
Very often, when seeking closure, people behave as though they’re seeking the first kind of closure, but really they’re looking for the second. In these situations, we might do one of multiple of the following:
Continuously request “one more conversation” with an ex to understand why thing ended. We may think that we’re seeking answers and understanding, but it’s likely we’re actually craving emotional comfort and for the ex to just make this all feel less painful.
Stalk an ex’s social media and analyze posts and activity, trying to piece together what’s happening in their life now.
Obsessively review every detail of the relationship to look for warning signs or figure out where things turned.
We also sometimes laser focus on reaching acceptance so much that we barrel right past answers and understanding. This can look like:
Rushing to forgiveness, friendship, and a “no-drama” de-escalation without examining red flags or patterns in your ex or yourself.
Taking on all responsibility for a relationship ending rather than examining all contributing factors.
Diving into a new relationship, moving cities, or making a major life change while avoiding giving time or space to any analysis of what happened.
Why do we even want to seek answers?
In 1993, the Need for Closure Scale (NFCS) was developed by Arie Kruglanski, Donna Webster, and Adena Klem. They created a standard way to measure the need for closure: a 42 item scale. In 2007, a shorter version of the test was created that is very close to as accurate but with only 15 questions.
Researchers found that some certain tendencies arise, though nothing is set in stone:
Having too intense of a need for closure can cause bias to show up in your pursuit of answers. For example, you might:
Select only evidence that support the first answer you come up with.
Get stuck in one way of thinking, in spite of new information.
Not check the reliability of a source..
People high in NFC (need for closure) “tend to prefer an autocratic leadership and hierarchical group decision structure, while derogating group members with deviant opinions.”
High levels of a need for closure has been linked to things like racism, sexism, and belief in conspiracy theories, among others, although “they also seem to be more susceptible to the positive effects of inter-group contact, which means that if they get close personal friendships with a member of another race, they experience a greater drop in prejudiced attitudes than people low in NFC.”
People with low NFC may have an easier time understanding and accepting complicated situations
Low NFC people may have an easier time making decisions even when faced with ambiguous information, but having too low of a NFC could mean difficulty making decisions at all or an inability to move on, or active avoidance of clarity and certainty.
Our need for closure isn’t always fixed – when we feel comfortable and safe, our level of need for closure goes down. When we feel threatened, it goes up.
It’s important to be able to find answers, lessons, and helpful narratives after a relationship ends, but trying to get there too quickly can have consequences.
Processing and acceptance
Some factors to remember when processing and accepting:
A commitment to active grieving and proactively pursuing your own healing instead of avoiding, numbing, or distracting.
Understanding the non-linear stages of grief.
Let yourself actually feel the sadness, depression, rage, loneliness, etc.
Set aside the obsessive need for answers. Creating a narrative that can tolerate “maybe I’ll never know all the reasons why this happened” is a good skill to practice.
Time. Treat yourself like you might if you were sick and waiting for an illness to pass.
Being witnessed and held. Talking to friends, a therapist, a loved one, and being given space to cry, complain, or vent without judgement
Reconnecting to your identity. Return to activities, social circles, and interests that may have fallen by the wayside during the relationship.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon calls this experience of processing and acceptance the “pain-to-pang” transition. Closure does not mean a total absence of pain, and it doesn’t mean you finally feel positive or neutral about your ex or the relationship.
You are moving toward closure when the edges of your grief become a bit less jagged—when there are longer stretches of calm between your bouts of deep emotion and when you are looking more through the windshield than in the rearview mirror.