What is slow love?

Coined by Helen Fisher in 2016’s reissue Anatomy of Love, the term “slow love” is, according to Fisher, “...an extension of the pre-commitment stages of love.” Of course, this is a very mono-normative way of thinking, but we wanted to still examine the benefits and drawbacks of taking things slow.

As for what it means to take things slow, it could look like:

• Taking time to get to know a person more “deeply” and engaging in a friendship first. 

• Physical milestones being reached gradually and not all at once, i.e. kissing, hand-holding, sex, and sleepovers. 

• Measuring out the amount of dates the two of you have, and integrating them into your life slowly.

• Trying to balance out solo activities or activities with friends while also engaging in activities with a new partner. 

• Keeping texting pace more measured than it might be if NRE were guiding the relationship.

• Taking everything one day at a time instead of getting too caught up in the future or “what could be.” 

• Relationship milestones being paced out more gradually, i.e. sex, sleepovers, introducing to family and friends, and beyond.

Some of the possible benefits of slow love are:

• You can retain some of your personal autonomy, making sure that you have time for family and friends, as well as committing to your own hobbies and interests. 

• You can really get to know the person. Taking time in between dates can also help ease some of the effects of NRE. When you aren’t around the person constantly, it allows the hormones to subside a bit and gives you a clearer picture of who they really are. 

• Ditto on sex. Extremely good sex can make you think that your connection must also be phenomenal in every other arena. But making sure you get to know your partner in other ways, like how they communicate and what their goals and dreams are, can help you see if the two of you are actually a decent fit. 

• If you or they are getting out of a serious relationship, it allows time for reflection and care, so that similar patterns or bad habits are not repeated immediately in your budding relationship. 

• You and they can reflect on what it is that you even want in a relationship. We recommend doing the relationship anarchy smorgasbord with new partners to determine what it is that each of you want your partnership to look like.

Conversely, some potential drawbacks to slow love could be:

• NRE is fun and great, and if you take it too slow, you might miss out on some of the benefits you get from being in that state like excitement and passion. 

• You may develop mismatched expectations for the state of the relationship. One of you may want to take it faster than the other. This could stifle the relationship or cause it to implode.

• Arbitrary timelines may make the relationship feel less organic overall. If you decide that you have to wait a certain amount of dates for something specific to happen, it may make the relationship sputter out when it could have been moving forward. 

• Impatience and frustration may happen to one or both of you. Again, having mismatched ideas about how quickly the relationship should be moving can create challenges. 

• It can be difficult to control your emotional state as well as how quickly or slowly you fall for a person, so taking it slow may just not be feasible.

• 古臭い (furukusai), meaning stale or old-fashioned. Some partners or potential partners might feel as though taking it slow is old-fashioned and not want to do it.

Is slow love right for me?

If you’re thinking about trying to move a little bit slower in your next relationship, ask yourself these questions as a starting point to figure out if it might be something you’d benefit from:

• Do you find that you tend to jump into relationships quickly without really getting to know a person? 

• Are you often surprised to find out red flags or deal breakers after the relationship has already progressed? 

• Do you tend to lose yourself in a relationship and neglect other parts of your life like your family, friends, and deeper interests? 

• Do people you are dating sometimes tell you that you are too intense or that they want you to slow down? 

• Have you just gotten out of a long term relationship and need some time before jumping into another one? 

• Are you polysaturated or have a lot of additional obligations that make rushing into a new relationship especially difficult?

Some actionable ways you can take it slowly in your next relationship if you decide that’s something you want to do are:

• Do some thinking and plan ahead. What does taking it slow mean to you? Is it slow from a physical level, an emotional level, and/or when it comes to relationship milestones? 

• Make your intentions known. Let your new partner know early on what you need when it comes to your expectations about how quickly you want the relationship to progress.

• Try not to indulge in unnecessary spending, especially early on in the relationship. This means refraining from lavish dates, plane tickets, big gifts, etc.

• Ask them questions to get to really know them. Here is a nice list: https://www.bonobology.com/questions-ask-significant-other/ , or try this one from the NYTimes: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html 

  • This includes big questions like, “What are your thoughts on monogamy and marriage?” and “What constitutes cheating?” and “Would you ever want an open relationship?” 

• Refrain from being controlling or possessive of the relationship. Allow them space and take time to enjoy your own hobbies and interests without them. 

• Don’t sign anything in the first year or make a huge commitment right away!

• Make a plan for NRE. Martha Kauppi addresses this in episode 340.