582 - Long Distance Relationships: Are They Worth It?
Have you been in love long distance?
Long distance relationships get a bad rap, but they’re more common than a lot of us realize, and despite what the general public might assume, sometimes they work out very well. A long distance relationship isn’t just about distance, it’s about the inability to share daily physical space, and this aspect is what reshapes the relationship’s structure, communication patterns, and emotional dynamics.
Surveys tell us that approximately 14 million couples in the United States are in LDRs. Up to 75% of college students report having been in one at some point, and surprisingly, 10% of all US marriages began as long distance relationships.
The research
Some of the good news revealed by research studies about long distance relationships:
They have a higher success rate than you’d think, about 58-60%, which isn’t much lower than geographically close relationships.
LDR couples often report higher intimacy. In a 2013 study by Jiang and Hancock, researchers found that long distance couples forced intimacy by disclosing more intimate things about themselves, that their communication was overall more positive and less contentious, and that they tended to have fewer discussions of taboo topics.
LDRs have complication as well, of course. LDR partners tend to idealize each other, meaning they form heightened, somewhat distorted perceptions of the relationship and their partner. This idealization correlates with:
Higher perceived relationship satisfaction in the short term.
Higher rates of conflict avoidance.
Selective positive self-presentation.
Idealization becomes a problem when the distance closes. It can enhance love and connection, but it can also set up a collision with reality when partners finally do share physical space full time. Thirty-seven percent of LDR couples break up within three months of becoming close geographically, in part because of the transition to proximity and idealization recognition.
One of the strongest predictors of LDR success is having a concrete plan for closing distance. LDRs that are open-ended tend to struggle the most with relational uncertainty and emotional fatigue.
Why is long distance harder?
Absence of physical touch. Touch is a primary attachment behavior; it builds oxytocin, regulates the nervous system, reduces cortisol, and creates a sense of safety.
Communication fatigue. When checking in with a partner becomes obligatory rather than genuine, it turns into communication fatigue.
Asymmetry. An underappreciated challenge of LDRs; one partner’s life is often richer in the day-to-day with new friends, new experiences, and a social life that the other partner isn’t a part of. This can create jealousy, diverging growth, and a growing mismatch between partners.
Logistics and financial strain. Traveling is expensive, time-consuming, and exhausting, and these stressors accumulate over time. There’s also the added decision fatigue of negotiating who’s going to travel, what to do when we see each other, etc.
Time zone conflicts. Finding a window of mutual wakefulness can feel like scheduling a business meeting, which reduces spontaneity and the relationship starts to exist only within scheduled blocks.
Relational uncertainty. When daily visibility isn’t available in each other’s lives, relational uncertainty increases, and if it stays unaddressed, it’s one of the primary drivers of LDR-related anxiety and jealousy.
What makes long distance easier?
Intentional communication practices, such as having regular state of the relationship conversations, not just catch-up calls. Sharing mundane moments, not just highlights. Distinguishing between asynchronous communication and synchronous connection. Not treating every call as a check-in. Sometimes just watching a show together can be enough.
A defined end point. Knowing when and how the distance will end is profoundly stabilizing. Even if the timeline shifts, having a shared geographic vision gives the relationship a sense of meaning and direction.
Personal autonomy and fulfillment. When structured well, LDRs give you genuine space and time for your own life. Your career, friendships, hobbies, and personal growth don’t have to be negotiated around a partner’s presence.
Treating visits as relationship investments. Do some ordinary things together to practice what proximity would actually look like. Try having some of of the hard conversations in person, not just over video. Allow for conflict, repair, and mundanity, not just romance.
Technology used well. There are plenty of technological benefits for an LDR. Shared apps for watching TV or movies simultaneously (like Paired), playing online games together, shared digital scrapbooks or photo albums, voice messages, and haptic devices designed to simulate touch are beneficial. The key is choosing tools that feel like connection, not obligation.
Individual compatibility with ambiguity. Some people are better suited to LDRs than others, and it isn’t a character flaw. Some people have a higher tolerance for uncertainty, have secure attachment styles, strong independent social lives, and comfort with asynchronous connection may do better in LDRs than those who have high needs for proximity.
How to tell if an LDR is right for you: self evaluation
Try journaling some of the following questions.
For the relationship itself:
Is this a new relationship starting long distance, or an established relationship becoming long distance? (The research suggests established relationships handle the transition more easily.)
Do we have a shared vision of where this relationship is going? Is proximity part of that vision?
Are we entering this with a clear-eyed view of the challenges, or are we in the 'it'll be fine' phase of early infatuation?
How did we handle conflict and disagreement before the distance? LDRs amplify existing communication patterns — good and bad.
For yourself:
What's my attachment style, and how does it respond to physical absence? Anxious attachment tends to be significantly activated by LDR dynamics.
Do I have a rich, fulfilling life outside this relationship? If my answer is 'not really,' an LDR is likely to feel unbearable.
Am I comfortable with ambiguity and periods of relational uncertainty?
What are my actual needs for physical affection and proximity? This is not a value judgment — it's data.
Am I staying in this because I genuinely want to, or because I'm afraid of loss?
Logistics:
Can we both afford to visit with reasonable regularity?
What's the actual plan for closing the distance, and is it realistic?
Is there flexibility in either person's life to make adjustments if the LDR is taking a serious toll?
Are we both willing to carry equal weight in travel, planning, and effort?
Non-monogamy-specific questions:
How does this long-distance relationship fit within my overall relationship network? Is it receiving appropriate time and attention?
Are all partners aware of each other's existence and role? Are we being honest about how the distance affects things?
How am I managing jealousy about my LDR partner's local connections — and have I named that explicitly?
If I have local partners, am I conscious of how my LDR partner might feel about proximity asymmetry?
Am I staying in a long-distance connection because it's genuinely fulfilling, or because it's easier to keep at a safe distance?
Transcript
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Dedeker: For him, when it came time to when he had to switch jobs, right, and he had a lot of different international opportunities for his work, what goes into that decision-making as far as, does he pick the job that means it would be closer to me, or does he pick the job that is the better job? And that's a really difficult situation to be in, a really difficult decision. So, I wouldn't say that it was as simple as, oh, one of us wants to end the distance and the other one doesn't, but just, I don't know, just sometimes priorities and decision-making in relationships is hard. I think especially because with a lot of people, their location is can sometimes be tied to their work or can be tied to their life dream or tied to, I need to be close to my kids, right? It's not just about where do I want to live and do I want to live close to this partner? It's like, how do I juggle all these priorities that sometimes may be dictating where I am geographically? And that's why these things can be so sticky for people.
Jase: Welcome to the Multiamory Podcast. I'm Jase.
Emily: I'm Emily.
Dedeker: And I'm Dedeker.
Emily: We believe in looking to the future of relationships, not maintaining the status quo of the past.
Dedeker: Whether you're monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, casually dating, or if you just do relationships differently, we see you and we're here for you.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we're going to be talking about long-distance relationships. Are they actually worth it? What does the research say? And how do we honestly evaluate if the structure works for you? We'll get into what makes them genuinely hard, what makes them work better than most people expect, and some specific things to look out for when you're non-monogamous in long-distance relationships. So we're excited to dive into the data because some of it is actually pretty surprising. If you're interested in learning more about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on the show, check out our book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, which covers our most used communication tools for all types of relationships. You can find out more about it at multiamory.com/book or just go get it at your local bookstore.
Dedeker: Yeah, it definitely brought up questions around who has to do the heavy lifting of traveling to see whom. For him, when it came time to, when he had to switch jobs, right, and he had a lot of different international opportunities for his work, what goes into that decision-making as far as, does he pick the job that means it would be closer to me, or does he pick the job that is the better job? And that's a really difficult situation to be in, a really difficult decision. So I wouldn't say that it was as simple as, oh, one of us wants to end the distance and the other one doesn't. But just, I don't know, just sometimes priorities and decision-making in relationships is hard. I think especially because with a lot of people their location is can sometimes be tied to their work, or it could be tied to their life dream, or tied to, I need to be close to my kids, right? It's not just about where do I want to live and do I want to live close to this partner. It's like, how do I juggle all these priorities that sometimes may be dictating where I am geographically? And that's why these things can be so sticky for people.
Emily: We did a Long Distance Relationships episode for episode 120 and 193.
Jase: Those were like 10 years ago.
Emily: No, not quite 10, but those were a long time ago. Really long time ago. So even though I feel like this is something that's been prevalent in all three of our lives quite a lot over the years, we haven't been speaking about it very specifically on a full episode for a while. So I thought it was time. It was time to speak about it again because for me at least, I'm heading into the season where I have to start making decisions about what I'm going to be doing over the wintertime, and that would mean that I would leave to go across the world and therefore have a period of time where I would be in a long-distance relationship with my partner. And I know the two of you, for instance, had quite a long period of time throughout the course of your relationship where you were long-distance.
Dedeker: Yeah.
Emily: Can you talk about that a little bit? Talk about that experience, maybe how long that time in your life lasted for, if there were any difficulties, or if there were even some good things about it.
Dedeker: Yeah, we've gone through many years of, I suppose, what I would call seasonal long-distance. I mean, that was kicked off when in 2015 I bought a one-way ticket to Bulgaria and became a digital nomad for about 5 years or so.
Emily: I forgot Bulgaria was the first place.
Dedeker: That was the first stop, baby. Wow. Where, yeah, we had to figure that out. And it was hard because it was also a fraught time in our relationship. It was a fraught time in my life and in my other relationships. There was a lot of shakeups happening. And so, Yeah, we had to figure out our rhythm, our pattern, you know, Jace would sometimes in between gigs be able to come and stay with me and travel with me. Other times I would come back to LA for a chunk of time and stay with him, and then I also acquired a partner in Singapore as well that I was with for 6 years going back and forth there. So yeah, I've done a lot of long-distance relationships, a lot of international long-distance relationships. And it is also interesting to me that I do think in our little polyamory subculture, I would suspect that long-distance relationships happen more frequently than is average for the general population. I think because of the fact that non-monogamy, it can be argued, reduces certain costs to non-long-distance relationships. And I do think in our subculture people are perhaps a little bit more open to the idea of that. So I think I see it as being a little bit more normalized within non-monogamy.
Jase: Yeah, that's an interesting question. Do I think it's actually more or less? In some ways, I feel like our world being so much more interconnected now makes long distance easier. And so I wonder if it might actually be happening more now, because I remember when I was in college and I had a long-term relationship, but I studied abroad for a semester in Russia. And that was like, we didn't have cell phones yet. And so it was buying calling cards to then schedule when you'd be available each week to do your long-distance call. And it was a little bit expensive to do. Honestly, at the time it was much better than it used to be back in the day. Right. So that felt harder than I feel like it could be now with just, oh, you can FaceTime each other, you can send each other messages. But I don't know, in a way I wonder if that might be adding other challenges too, that then there's sort of this, you're getting closer to being together and so you feel the gap more than, I'm away, that's it. We get to have our one call a week that's sort of choppy and has a lot of delay or whatever it was back then. Interesting theory.
Emily: Those were the days. Or were they?
Dedeker: I don't know.
Emily: We're gonna maybe get into that a little bit in this episode. To start out with, I just wanted to discuss what counts as a long-distance relationship, because the long-distance relationships that the three of us have have been across the world, or longest possible distance that you can go.
Jase: Exactly.
Emily: But that's not necessarily what most long-distance relationships go through. So researchers typically define long-distance relationships as couples who live at 125 miles apart, which feels not that far, but that's what, if you're on a highway or if you're on a freeway, that's what, like 2 hours in a car maybe, depending on how fast you drive?
Jase: Probably more than 2 hours if you include getting on and off the highway and maybe some traffic.
Dedeker: Well, nothing, that's like newbie numbers compared to my lived experience.
Emily: See, and the joke is I live in Washington Heights, my partner lives in Brooklyn, and people joke that, oh, that's a long distance relationship. Because I live at the tip-top of Manhattan and he lives in Brooklyn.
Jase: So, you know, that is an interesting question of does it make sense to measure a long-distance relationship by distance, or does it make more sense to measure it with time or expense?
Dedeker: With how much of a pain in the neck?
Jase: How much of a pain in the neck? Yeah, exactly.
Emily: Yeah, absolutely.
Jase: That's kind of what they're getting at with you in New York. And also, by the way, for our listeners in the rest of the civilized world, this is like 200 kilometers we're talking about here. This 125 miles to give you a sense of the distance we're talking about.
Emily: Yeah. So like the next country over in Europe or something.
Jase: I don't know. Which is wild again, as an American to think about, oh, the next country over.
Emily: Yes.
Jase: That could be a multiple day drive for you depending on where you live.
Emily: There you go. But yeah, it is a spectrum. So it could be something like 45 minutes away, but you can't visit that person often because of your work schedule. Or maybe you have a 2-hour drive, but you don't have a car. So that drive becomes longer because you have to take a train or some sort of public transit. You might have different time zones going on in the same country. Like if you're an East Coast and a West Coast person, that does become difficult. I mean, even for the 3 of us deciding like, well, you know, we're going to start this call at 6, but that's 9 for Emily. That becomes a little bit late when we're ending it.
Jase: Time zones do add some complication to it.
Emily: Absolutely. And then of course, what we've all gone through, international time zones, being on different continents, you know, you wake up in the morning and it's somebody else's nighttime. It's challenging. But yeah, it's not just about the miles. It's about this inability to share daily physical space. Yeah.
Jase: And also like emotional space. Like I remember once I was dating someone in Japan and she drunk dialed me at night after being out. But for me it was like 8 in the morning or 7 in the morning or something. Wow. And we were just not connecting.
Dedeker: Oh, that happened to me all the time with my ex in Singapore. Yeah. All the time.
Emily: Yeah.
Jase: I'm just like, I can't go here with you. I'm just waking up right now.
Emily: Yeah. Fascinating. That's really quite something. Yeah. So this is actually quite common. Approximately, so this number has been the same for over a decade, but essentially this number of 14 million couples 28 million people in the United States are in long-distance relationships, and up to 75% of college students report having been in a long-distance relationship at some point, which makes sense to me, especially if you start dating in high school, you go off to different colleges, maybe you try to stay together for a few years and then you realize, yeah, maybe not.
Jase: Or you date in college and one of you graduates before the other, or you just go home for the summers, or you study abroad. Like, there's a lot of options there.
Emily: Absolutely. And 10% of all US marriages began as a long-distance relationship. That's interesting.
Dedeker: That seems high.
Emily: That does seem high.
Jase: I'm surprised by that number.
Emily: But yeah, I mean, if you've done the long-distance thing at some point in your life, you're in good company. A lot of people have done it. So long-distance relationships do have a fairly high success rate. I looked up this number, like a cited figure is that 58 to 60% of long-distance relationships are successful. And I had a really difficult time figuring out what they meant by success.
Jase: Right.
Emily: That was my question.
Dedeker: Yeah.
Emily: I'm like, okay, great. Does that mean they last forever? Because doubtful. Or does it just mean that they last for a couple years?
Dedeker: Essentially, they last until they move closer to each other. So it could be a lot of success.
Jase: Maybe that's— yeah, maybe that's the metric.
Emily: Exactly. And that is a metric that we're going to get into. That success generally happens when the distance is closed after a while. And so, when you're thinking about for yourself, should I stay in this long-distance relationship or should I even get myself into a long-distance relationship? If you're looking at potentially a metric of success of is this going to last over time, something that you may want to think about is, is this always going to stay this way or are we eventually going to become proximal to one another?
Dedeker: Well, I think that's another little microcultural difference, right? That if I'm reading somebody's random Reddit post from the relationship subreddit and they're assumed monogamous and talking about being in a long-distance relationship, I read that differently and I read their trajectory differently than I might read in our private Discord server, for instance, where someone's talking about, yeah, I have my nesting partner and then I have this long-distance partner who lives in a city 3 hours away, where I don't automatically assume, oh, your trajectory is going to be towards getting geographically closer toward each other. It might— a lot of people do that. But again, I think in our particular subculture, it's more normalized that we might get into a long-distance relationship without the intention that that's gonna change or change soon.
Emily: Yes.
Jase: Yeah, I see where it's like, I'm married and I live in this city and my partner has a job in this other city, but we see each other at conferences or at, you know, LARPing meetups or something like that. Yeah, I could see that being more likely to last longer.
Emily: For sure.
Jase: In monogamy, it's hard to be like, I'm always gonna not have a person around. I think that's a harder ask. I remember in college, one of my professors, his wife was a lawyer in New York, and I was in school in Ohio, outside of Cleveland. Like, that's a good distance. Like, you could drive it in a day, but it'd be like a full day of driving.
Emily: That's far.
Jase: Yeah, 10-hour drive or something like that. So, and I remember at the time thinking that was crazy because he had a job as a professor. She had a job as a lawyer there. Those are not easy jobs to just up and move to somewhere else. Right. And so for them, that was kind of like long-term, this is our plan. And I do think that changes the equation a bit in terms of what does success look like? What does that relationship look like?
Emily: Yeah, unquestionably. I want to hit you with the first of the many studies that are going to be coming at you throughout the course of this episode. Okay, this one is called Absence Makes the Communication Grow Fonder: Geographic Separation, Interpersonal Media, and Intimacy in Dating Relationships. This is a 2013 study, and they found that long-distance relationship couples often report higher levels of intimacy than geographically close couples. I found this really interesting, and it made me think a lot about the times in my life when I have had long-distance situations, and I can really only point to healthy relationships happening recently because I definitely had more unhealthy scenarios in long-distance relationships, and I kind of felt happy to not be proximal to that person. But now that's a different story. So in this study, they found that long-distance couples forced intimacy by disclosing more intimate things about themselves, and their communication was overall more positive and less contentious and that they tended to have fewer discussions of taboo topics.
Jase: So, well, wait, so you're revealing more about yourself but not taboo topics?
Emily: I think that makes sense to me.
Dedeker: Yeah, because that's always the bind that people complain about is, oh, if we only have a Zoom call once a week, or I'm only coming to town once a month or every few months, I don't want to bring up this taboo topic.
Emily: I don't want to rock the boat.
Dedeker: I don't want to rock the boat, right? Which it sounds like sometimes could be a bad thing for the relationship, but also sometimes could be good, something that buffers the relationship.
Emily: Yes. And they looked at and quoted a different study from 2008. They said, one study, for example, suggests that openness and positivity, two strategies that potentially involve self-disclosing behaviors, are the most frequently observed maintenance strategies in emails between long-distance romantic partners, and that they significantly contribute to relationship stability and satisfaction. So I think that generally people who are in long-distance relationships, they do this thing that the study calls the hyperpersonal effect, where they do this communication at a distance, but they do like hypercommunication, where you're doing these emotionally intense discussions with your partner, and they might be more emotionally intense than the interactions that you would have day to day with an individual, just because you're not getting to see them that often. And so it's when you do see them or when you do talk to them, you want to kind of get as much as you possibly can from that interaction. So the maybe negative part of this is that it can create some idealization of that partner. This increased intimacy causes this idealization of your partner. And so they might tend to form this like heightened, somewhat distorted perception of the relationship and of the partner because you're trying to kind of manage this uncertainty and longing that comes with distance.
Jase: But I do feel like there's more of that sense of, like, yearning, wanting— you know, you're connecting to this person, but you don't get to hold them.
Emily: It's almost like unrequited love, almost, which I think when you're looking at something like limerence, for example, like, oh, I'm yearning for this person. I really want to be with them and I can't. And so it creates this perception of them that is heightened and that that feels almost like you're putting them on a pedestal to a degree, but it keeps away all of those day-to-day interactions of, wow, I'm seeing my partner with their smelly socks in the corner, or I'm seeing how gross their apartment is or whatever. Right. Instead, you don't get to witness any of that. You're just kind of seeing this yearning and loving contact with one another that is in these very short-form quick interactions that you have when you do get to have them, maybe on a weekly basis or even a daily basis.
Jase: I think that brings up an interesting point there too about the, the longing, because— or like the unrequited love. Because at first I wanted to say no, because this is going both ways. But there is that sense of— or at least for myself in a long-distance relationship— of this is nice, but if only I could get them more, right? Sure. Only I could be there. If only they could be here. That there is kind of that sense like, "Oh, if only that, then everything could be okay." Yeah. It almost kind of gives you, I don't know, like, an excuse for not everything being satisfied right now, or like a little way that you can put that happiness off into the future, being like, "Well, but like, eventually, once we're together, then— then it'll be really good." Yeah. Like, kind of an idealized situation of like, "Oh, but as soon as that's solved, then— then we'll be good."
Emily: Well, exactly.
Emily: So this study found that this idealization correlates with higher perceived relationship satisfaction in the short term, higher rates of conflict avoidance because there are generally fewer opportunities for conflict to arise. And then what they called selective positive self-presentation. So you're showing your best self because you only really see that person occasionally, or maybe you get on a call with them every week, but you kind of like get this opportunity to be at your best and not necessarily show the nitty-gritty day-to-day. But the problem with all of this is what happens when distance closes. So there was research done in 2007 by Stafford and Merolla, and they found that idealization can enhance love and connection, but it can also set up a collision with reality when partners finally share physical space full-time. And so this might explain a different statistic, which is that 37% of long-distance relationship couples break up within 3 months of becoming geographically close. So, oh wow, the distance isn't actually what ended the relationship, but the transition—
Jase: but then not being distant anymore.
Emily: Yes, exactly. The transition to proximity is what actually spelled doom for the relationship.
Dedeker: Boy, okay. I have so many follow-up questions about that because I wonder about how does this map onto the natural ending of the honeymoon phase that we run into in relationships, right? Because to a certain extent, all relationships have to go through that. They go through the idealization and projection and fantasy and NRE phase. And at some point, there has to be the awakening to who this person actually is as a human being. And then you enter the phase of figuring out, can we make that work between the two of us as flawed human beings? And if I could design a very ambitious study, it would be controlling for those factors, right, of this theoretical couple that's at a distance. At what stage in the relationship are they at a distance? At what stage in the relationship have they become geographically proximal to each other? Are those stages, like, aligning? Are they different? Because that's really fascinating to me.
Emily: Yeah, definitely. I have not been in a relationship long-term that is long-distance, but my current partner has. His longest relationship was always long-distance. He lived in the Netherlands, his partner lived in Germany, and they saw each other basically every other week. One of the two of them would go back and forth essentially to one of those two countries. But he said that during the pandemic, for instance, when they had the opportunity to be proximal for longer stretches of time, that it was challenging, especially because she didn't have friends in the Netherlands and felt like, well, you need to stay around me all the time, or I would prefer it if you always were with me, as opposed to him going to go out and do his own types of things. And so I do think that there can be conflict there as well when the expectations of each partner doesn't line up. And when you're coming into a person's space, and they kind of have this established life that only includes you when you're not proximal, that coming into that can be really, really challenging. And those mismatched expectations can potentially spell doom for the relationship.
Jase: I feel like that's another factor to put into your study, Dedeker, is that not only how long has the relationship been, but what is the circumstance of coming together? Is it one of them moving back to a place where they both were from? Is it one person moving to the other person's place, or is it both of them going to a new place? Because I feel like those three dynamics are very different, like Emily was just describing. Yes. Your only connection to the social circle there is your partner versus having your own. Like, that's very different. Or for both of you, it's brand new. That's also very different.
Emily: So we're going to get into what makes long distance harder and then what might make it a little bit easier to be in a long-distance relationship.
Jase: But first, we're going to take a quick break to talk about our sponsors. Thank you to all of them for supporting our show and helping us put this out there into the world for free. Please do give them a listen. Use our promo codes in our show description. That really does help our show. And of course, you can join our community directly at multiamory.com/join. That is the absolute best way to support this show.
Emily: All right, I want to talk about what makes long distance difficult and what might make it kind of great at times. So first of all, I think all of us can definitely relate to this who've been in long-distance relationships, but the absence of physical touch is really, really difficult. And that's because touch is a primary attachment behavior It can help us regulate nervous systems. It can reduce cortisol. It can build oxytocin and just kind of create a sense of safety overall. So long-distance couples that don't have access to this, I mean, it can be really challenging for them and they might have a more challenging time doing things like emotionally regulating than couples who are proximal to one another.
Jase: When I was in college and my girlfriend at the time had graduated before me, 2 years before me. And so she was a few hours away, I guess more than 125 miles. So I guess we counted. But I remember my experience of that time was more conflict, not less. And it felt like that maybe it's different because we had started being close together and then gone apart. But there was this sense of the way that I described it to myself at the time was sort of like there's this desire for the intensity of being around each other. And the only way you can get that is through conflict, or just from being—
Dedeker: you're just fighting at each other.
Jase: Yeah, not even like— not even fighting exactly, but just being, I don't know, emotionally intense. That— that's like we were seeking the intensity that we had together in that way. That was just my sort of armchair theory that I had as a college student about myself. So I don't know if that holds any water, but that is interesting that it's like we didn't have the repair of being able to be physically attached to each other in that moment. Like, you're just on the phone.
Emily: Yeah.
Jase: We didn't even really have the ability to video call at the time, so maybe that would have changed it if we'd been able to see more facial expressions and things.
Emily: Yeah, that's really tough. Well, and also what Dedeker had said before about going through the honeymoon phase and then sort of going out of that, probably by that point. Yeah, good point. Exactly. Maybe you were on the way out of the honeymoon phase or that was long gone. And so therefore you just had to deal with each other. Without that idealization factor involved as well. Another challenging part can be communication fatigue. So, you know, of course, long distance relationships require more communication, but that communication can often be sort of a source of stress, or it can feel like an obligation rather than really genuine, really, okay, I want to talk to you, I want to ask how your day is, but rather like, oh God, I haven't checked in yet, shit.
Dedeker: I think that's been my biggest source of stress in long-distance relationships. And when I sit right now and even think about if I was going to consider another long-distance relationship, that's the first thing that comes up in me. That's what my chest constricts around, is—
Emily: oh wow—
Dedeker: the obligation, the Zoom fatigue, you know.
Emily: Of— yeah, the communication fatigue in general.
Dedeker: Yeah, communication fatigue for sure.
Jase: Yeah. And I think that's probably gotten worse for everyone in recent years.
Dedeker: Yes, because everyone's sitting on Zoom all the time and and video calls and like all that stuff, which again, sure, technology, yes, gets us, I guess, closer to each other, more able to communicate.
Emily: There was a 2021 study called Long-distance texting: Text messaging Is Linked with Higher Relationship Satisfaction in Long-Distance Relationships, and that showed that 88% of long-distance couples rely heavily on texting and digital communication to stay connected. And they also said they called texting a lightweight tool and that it can sometimes be more appealing and effective than phone calls or video calls because it enables users to engage in frequent relationship maintenance without investing a great deal of time or cognitive effort.
Jase: And that makes sense. Yeah, but it's easier to do that than—
Emily: Totally.
Jase: I have found that some partners I've had in the past like insist on phone calls or video calls more often. I have sometimes found that to be more fatiguing than just text messaging. That said, I think seeing someone's face and connecting that way is important. So it's a weird— it's a tough push-pull there. But it makes sense to me that you'd gravitate toward a lighter weight way so that it's easier to kind of maintain that throughout your day.
Emily: Yeah, I think if you have a partner who wants a lot of communication throughout the day, probably texting is a really good way to do it, as opposed to being like, okay, every single day we need to get on a video call in order to maintain this relationship. That lighter lift might feel over a long period of time that's more sustainable, perhaps. Another challenging part is the asymmetry of each other's worlds continuing to move and grow and change without the other person, potentially. So one partner's life might be richer and more fulfilling and more exciting and more new friends or new experiences or a social life that the other partner isn't a part of. And this can create a lot of challenges, things like jealousy that's not about the relationship or another potential person at all, but just being left out of someone's lived experience and then diverging growth and partners who evolve in different directions during the distance period. And a growing mismatch between the you who fell for that person and the you that you are becoming, and vice versa. Another thing that my partner said that was really interesting on WhatsApp, you have like read receipts, you have this on many things, but he would have a challenging time because he knew that his long-distance partner was out with friends. And if he knew she was out with friends and he texted her and he could see that it said that she had read it, but that she didn't respond to him. That might create some feelings of jealousy around, or just FOMO of what is she doing? Why isn't she texting me? So he ended up turning off read receipts because of that, because he didn't want to feel those feelings. Yeah, exactly. He didn't want to know. He would just rather that she'd text him back in her own time, which I think makes a lot of sense.
Jase: And it, I think, helps move your focus to the response instead of the lack of response that you get. At any other time than the response, right? Yeah. Which is arguably more of the time they're not responding to you than they are responding to you. That's just like math. It just kind of works that way. So I like the idea of turning off read receipts to move the focus to the reply instead of the lack of reply.
Emily: Yeah, I think that's, that's a very good tip for sure. Logistics and financial strain can be a big thing with long distance relationships. I mean, traveling to see each other is expensive. It's time-consuming. It can be exhausting, especially if you're going across the world. And Dedeker's shaking her head.
Dedeker: Sorry, I've been quiet for this episode more than maybe I usually have because I'm just sitting in the background just processing, just all grist for the mill, my 600 past long distance relationships, everything falling into perspective. That's all. Yes, expensive.
Emily: Yeah, expensive in so many ways. And there's also the potential emotional crash that happens after a visit ends. And I think all of these tangible stressors are things that accumulate over time and that can be really challenging for couples to deal with. And there is this decision fatigue as well of, okay, whose turn is it to travel? What do we want to do with this really limited time that we have? Do we want to do really normal things or should we try to keep everything really special or do we want to do normal stuff so that you feel more integrated in my daily life. Like, all of those things are challenging to navigate. We already kind of talked about this, but time zone conflicts. Yikes. I had a 12 to 13 hour time difference with my partner when I'm in Hong Kong and he's in New York. And it just does become the like, okay, you're waking up as I'm going to bed or vice versa. And you miss so much of the day with that person that that's really, really difficult. It feels almost like spontaneity disappears and that the relationship exists in these kind of like scheduled time blocks instead of, I wanna go see this movie, you should come with me, you know, on a random Tuesday. That's just like not available to you in these types of relationships. Another really challenging thing is the relational uncertainty that comes with not necessarily knowing what the heck is going on in your partner's life at all times. So, there can be some uncertainty around, you know, what is your partner feeling? What are their other social connections? Is the relationship changing? Are their feelings about me changing? And I think that this can drive a lot of anxiety and cause maybe some jealousy. Other types of challenges— I know for myself, my partner and I are non-monogamous, but I definitely, in the back of my head, was constantly like, is he meeting another person right now? Is he growing a relationship with someone else right now? Is my world going to be different when I come home because he had the opportunity to grow other relationships without me? And what is that going to look like for myself and for him when I get home?
Dedeker: Yeah, I've struggled with that too, especially in my experiences being in long distance relationships where there's not necessarily a trajectory of that the plan is we're going to move close to each other, right? Yeah. That that fear of if my partner starts dating someone who's geographically closer to them, am I going to get shoved out essentially? Am I absolutely lose my place in their life, my role in their life, because it's someone who just has much more access all the time?
Jase: Yeah, something I remember us talking about 10 million years ago when we covered this topic before was that idea of having a planned end of the long-distance-ness of the relationship, and that that's something that does predict success, like that— yes, relationships are more likely to work out if there's at least some sense, even if it's not a concrete plan, but a sense of after this happens, then we're going to be together again.
Dedeker: I'm assuming it— you mean as in, a plan for when we're going to see each other again, or a plan for when the long-distance portion is going to come to an end?
Jase: I mean that, a plan for when the long distance will come to an end, that this isn't permanent, and that we have a plan for when it won't.
Dedeker: Assuming that's what both people want though.
Emily: Assuming that's what both people want. Yes. But Dedeker, I mean, I'm thinking back to your long 6-year relationship and how that was a bit of a sticking point for the two of you, right?
Dedeker: It was. Yeah. Yeah. We definitely ran into, I think, mismatched expectations or, I mean, I don't want to give everyone all the dirty laundry and I'm not gonna, so you're not gonna get it, but I'll give a tease. I'll give you a dirty sock or two here, which is Yeah, it definitely brought up questions around who has to do the heavy lifting of traveling to see whom. For him, when it came time to when he had to switch jobs, right, and he had a lot of different international opportunities for his work, what goes into that decision-making as far as, does he pick the job that means it would be closer to me, or does he pick the job that is the better job? And that's a really difficult situation to be in, a really difficult decision. So, I wouldn't say that it was as simple as Oh, one of us wants to end the distance and the other one doesn't. But just, I don't know, just sometimes priorities and decision-making in relationships is hard. I think especially because with a lot of people, their location is can sometimes be tied to their work or can be tied to their life dream or tied to, I need to be close to my kids, right? It's not just about where do I want to live and do I want to live close to this partner? It's like, how do I juggle all these priorities that sometimes may be dictating where I am geographically. And that's why these things can be so sticky for people.
Jase: And I think it's worth, again, remembering that these studies and the people studying it are going to be looking primarily at monogamous relationships in the average, right? And so you're going to miss some of those little exceptional outliers and things, and also non-monogamy too. But it's making me think about how when you first started traveling, Dedeker, that there was this kind of bought the one-way ticket and just going and no sense of when we would get to see each other. And that was harder. And then once we'd fallen into more of a rhythm, and this probably took 2 or 3 years, but once we fell into more of a rhythm of, okay, yeah, it's becoming more predictable, even if we don't have a concrete plan, but it became predictable that we're going to stay long distance part of the year, potentially forever, but that roughly every 3-ish months or so we spend 2 or 3 months together. And so that was different too than I think your typical long-distance relationship where you don't get those big chunks together. Yeah, maybe get a weekend here and there, right? And so that's another factor that changes things. And so I think it is interesting that you could probably do a lot more nuanced research on this, but it's probably harder to find the data that you need for it because some of those situations are just more rare, right? Because there's just so many different ways a long-distance relationship could work.
Emily: Absolutely. I did want to get into what makes long distance easier because I do think that there are some things out there that kind of makes this a good type of relationship for certain people. One thing that does make long-distance relationships easier just in general are Intentional Communication Practices, and of course that's with pretty much any type of relationship. But right, yes, but having, you know, regular state of the relationship conversations like RADARs are really important, not just catch-up calls, but hey, how are we doing? How are you feeling about this? Is this something you want to continue? Are there things that would make this easier for you, etc.? Also, Dedeker, I think you're quite good at this, but sharing mundane moments via voice notes or photos or texts, not just highlights, but just like, I mean, you even sent us the other day, you were like, look at this bird that I saw.
Dedeker: A gosling. A gosling. Ryan Gosling is the gosling.
Emily: Look at all these Ryan Goslings.
Jase: Yes.
Emily: Yeah.
Dedeker: The whole collection of Ryan Goslings. Yes, correct.
Emily: The Canadian geese and the family. And it was adorable and I loved it and it was mundane, but it was very cute. And distinguishing between asynchronous communication like texts or emails and then synchronous connection calls and videos, having a little bit of both, but then maybe being intentional about that, like, yes, you can schedule it. But then also when I was long distance from my partner, I wouldn't necessarily do, okay, we need to have a call every single week, but rather I would ask him like, hey, do you have some time right now? Can we get on a call? Because it would be lovely to talk to you. And then he had the option of saying yes or no. So you can decide what works best for you. Asynchronous communication versus synchronous communications and connections. You don't necessarily need to treat every single call like a relationship check-in. Sometimes just like watching a show together is enough. Doing some sort of mundane things is probably really nice to have that opportunity to do that with a partner. Maybe like do a little date night. I remember you guys talked about having, you know, date nights where you would maybe each cook something while you were on the phone with each other and then, you know, watching a video together or whatever. Like that's a really nice idea.
Jase: Yeah, games are nice for that too. It gives you that experience of doing something side by side virtually. Where it doesn't have to be we're facing each other and we're just really intense and we're like really in, in the soup so much. It kind of gives you a way to just like be together, and that is important, I think.
Emily: Yeah, I love that. We did just talk about this, but having a Defined End Point, if that is what you want, what both of you want in terms of your relationship, that does tend to be one of the things that allows a relationship to actually survive and thrive, is knowing like this is for a period of time and it will end eventually.
Dedeker: Actually, if you just— I feel the need to slide in and be like, if that's what both of you want. Yeah, I think that's important to get on the same page about, right? That some people can be making assumptions, oh, if it's long distance, obviously we're on that trajectory, and some people may be making the opposite assumption. So that's all. I just feel like I want to encourage folks to check in about that.
Emily: Yeah, definitely. I think that's very individual to the couple or to the people involved.
Jase: Like, see, see point one about communication being important. It applies to point 2 of the Defined End Point.
Emily: Yeah, absolutely. If you are in a long-distance relationship, it's really important to find your own fulfillment personally and work on your own personal autonomy, work on your personal growth, your friendships, your hobbies, your career, things that don't necessarily need to be negotiated around a partner's presence. And it's kind of nice that long distance relationships allow for that to be maybe more of a highlight a thing that matters in your life rather than having a person there all the time and being like, well, I have to structure my entire life around this other individual. But you can kind of structure your life around yourself. And I think that that is a highlight and something that a lot of people prefer who have these types of relationships. And maybe that goes hand in hand with what you just said, Dedeker, that some people would prefer that to be the case always, as opposed to having a relationship where, okay, eventually that's going to change or that's going to end. But rather, I like my life as it is, and I like being able to see my partner when I want to, but not necessarily 24/7.
Dedeker: Well, I think really the theme that's coming up for me is this question of— it seems like what long-distance relationships have going for them is that they automatically inject a hefty dose of independence, communication, and delusion all at the same time. And, and it's like the dose makes the poison, right? I think going too far on any of those could not be good for any relationship. But I think if you can find the sweet spot, maybe that's why the research is finding that they largely tend to be quote-unquote successful.
Emily: Maybe that's a really good point.
Jase: And I think it's worth acknowledging here that when Emily talks about working on yourself, right, your own personal growth, things like that, that that's not saying that in a selfish way of not caring about that partner. But I think of it more in what Esther Perel talks about, of having your own stuff going on is what makes you attractive and interesting and likewise Absolutely. The fact that your partner has their own personal growth going on is what makes them attractive and exciting to you. So having that balance makes a lot of sense. And that long distance, I could see that being especially helpful for people who tend to fall into the trap of not doing enough individuation and being more codependent. That kind of like Dedeker said about finding the balance of those different parts of your life, that maybe for you the long distance could help with that.
Emily: Absolutely. If you do get the opportunity to see each other, I think it's important that you do some mundane things together as well. So it's not like you're constantly going on these extravagant trips and having these, you know, those are important as well, but that you can go grocery shopping or run errands or do nothing when you do get to have the opportunity to be together with that partner, just so that you can sort of integrate into their life as opposed to, you know, making it like you're on the episode of The Bachelor every single time you see each other. Sure.
Dedeker: So like it's always special Disneyland time.
Emily: Exactly.
Dedeker: Take time off work and—
Emily: Right, right.
Dedeker: Even though that's great and that is necessary, but it seems like there is a certain piece of if you want this to be a long-term relationship that's entwined, that you have to do some intentional incorporating them into your life and your daily life as much as you can.
Emily: Absolutely. Yes. And I think it's also important to have some difficult conversations maybe in person rather than over video. I have heard people talking about, well, we don't get to see each other that often, so we need to like do all of our relationship maintenance before we have the special trip together. But if you get the opportunity to be together and proximal, it might be nice to have a RADAR in person, for example. Or if there was something that was on your mind that was challenging from a discussion that the two of you had, maybe talk about it when you're together. See what that's like. I think it can really point to certain things or give you some data points that might not be present if you just did it over the phone, for instance. And speaking of the phone, there are so many technological tools that we have to speak to each other nowadays, much more than back when Jace was doing long distance relationships as a younger person. So something that I did and that has been our sponsor in the past is use Paired. We love Paired.
Dedeker: This is not a sponsored segment, by the way. They did not pay us for this. This is purely free for them. So you're welcome, Paired.
Emily: Yeah, you're welcome, Paired. But doing some little game on your phone where you get to check in with each other or answer questions, that's really fun. Watching shows together or movies simultaneously or online games like you talked about. Maybe photo albums or digital scrapbooks. I don't even know what that is, but I looked that up and digital scrapbooks sounded really fun and I was like, damn, I should try this next time. Of course, voice messages, which can preserve tone and spontaneity a little bit better than text sometimes. And this is an early but real technology, is like a haptic device which is designed to simulate touch. Not just sexy devices, but also—
Jase: that's where everyone's mind was going, is like, that is where my—
Emily: my mind went to. Yeah, but other types of haptic devices. So, you know, try to choose a tool that feels like connection that's specific to you, not just an obligation. And finally, look at your own individual compatibility with ambiguity, because I think some people out there are really genuinely well-suited for long-distance relationships, and some people are just not. And it's not a character flaw either way. There are some people who have a really high tolerance for uncertainty. They just have a secure attachment style in general. They have a really independent social life and they're comfortable with asynchronous connection. Those people might tend to do better in long distance relationships than people who really prefer proximity, who are more anxiously attached, and who derive primary sense of connection from physical presence and proximity. I know personally I have a lot of anxiety when I'm not close to my partner. When I am overseas, it's tough. It has not been easy. It's a factor in me deciding whether or not I'm going to keep doing it, quite frankly. But I think for some people it's awesome and it actually is ideal. So I think it's important for you to think about, are you a good candidate for being in a long-distance relationship or not? And look at that, and maybe that's one of the ways that you can decide, is this right for me?
Jase: Before we move on to the final piece of this discussion, we're going to take another quick break to talk about our sponsors for this show. Again, please do go check them out. That does help our show. And if you would rather join our community directly, you can go to multiamory.com/join and join our community there. Get access to things like our monthly video processing groups where you can have more real-time face-to-face conversations with other listeners and one of us. And then of course you get ad-free episodes.
Emily: We've talked about it a little bit so far, but I did want to dive a little bit further into the non-monogamy angle of all of this because there are a certain set of challenges that come with being non-monogamous and in a long-distance relationship. Of course, you have to deal with multiple logistics when you are in a long-distance relationship with potentially multiple people, or there's one person who's proximal, there's another person that might not be proximal, and that means coordinating with multiple people's schedules and their needs and their time zones. All of that can be a little overwhelming potentially. There's also a potential for more jealousy triggers. A partner who is long-distance, they might be building local connections, they might be going on dates and spending time with nearby partners. And that can, of course, lead to this fear of missing out. You're potentially excluded from someone's daily life while other people get proximity. And that can just be really challenging to deal with. And it can feel like any of the partners that are proximal might get kind of an unfair advantage when it comes to getting to be around that person, getting to build up a life with that person, getting to get to know them more. All of those things can be difficult.
Jase: Yeah, often there's jealousy around that day to day. I hear that one come up a lot of, but the person who gets to be close to them gets to go grocery shopping, gets to clean the house together, gets to do these little things. They— I know that one definitely can be a tricky thing to juggle if someone wants that but can't get it.
Emily: Yeah, definitely. And if you have an anchor partner or a nesting partner, that can feel even more like there's kind of a disconnect between these two types of relationships. Like you said, if somebody gets the grocery time more often, or that can also feel challenging if that person who's the anchor partner knows that, oh, every time you see your long-distance partner, you're going on these extravagant fun trips with them. And that's really difficult.
Dedeker: Or that like you clear your schedule, right? Because, and it makes sense, like they're coming into town. And so I make the effort to clear my schedule. And prioritize the time with them and make sure it's a good time in a way that maybe you don't do as consistently for someone who's around more consistently.
Jase: Especially if you have limited time off and it's, well, I'm going to use that for the long-distance one because I literally can't see them any other way. But the person who's local, maybe it doesn't feel like I'm taking that time for them. So that can be hard.
Emily: Yeah. And communication fatigue when you have multiple partners in general is challenging. But when you have the addition of a long-distance relationship, knowing that you also have to think about things like time zones, for instance, or just, I have a set schedule of, I can talk to this person every week at a specific time. If there are challenges that come up around that time and you have to cancel or whatever, I mean, it adds additional layers of communication that need to come into play there. And that can be really difficult, especially if you have a lot of partners. Maybe if it's only two, that's a little bit more easy, but it just depends sort of on the specific needs of each individual and the dynamics that happen there within each different relationship. So trying to have high-quality communication, trying to be honest also of, I'm running out of bandwidth here. Maybe I need to take a night off from communication, or maybe I just feel like I'm a little bit at the end of my rope. Things like that. Like, that really heavy communication is required there when it comes to long distance relationships and juggling multiple types of relationships. And then also New Partners and Attachment Uncertainty. So if you're non-monogamous and you hear that your long-distance partner has a new partner that comes into their life, that might make you feel like, am I going to get even less time with them? Is the priority going to shift from us getting to spend a week together every quarter to my time with them being truncated even more? If they're building something exciting with someone local, where do I fit in with that? So I think it's really worth naming that directly and then addressing your fears surrounding that, maybe providing reassurance to your partner rather than waiting for those fears to fester and grow over time.
Jase: And I think this is a great case for how this can really vary depending on how much your desires are being met at the time. And that's all the more reason to have that upfront communication, to do something like a radar or something where you're kind of checking in on not just trying to solve problems that come up or trying to just address each new, you know, anxiety that comes up, but instead Starting from the place of how do we get this to be the most ideal ratio we can achieve now so that then those things are less of a threat. And I'm just thinking about different times over the course of my relationships where there have been times where that, though they have a new partner, feels like, oh gosh, like I'm going to lose out. There's a threat here. I'm scared. And then other times where it's kind of like, oh great, finally. Like that's—
Emily: I know that they've needed that.
Jase: And that's really important for them to have. And sometimes there's both of those at once, but I think that where we are going in is what seems to affect that more than that relationship itself.
Emily: Yeah. Well, and speaking of that, there are some ways that long distance relationships and non-monogamy are actually easier than maybe if you are in a monogamous relationship and that person is your only partner, because Local Support Systems, they might already exist for you. The long-distance partner might not be your only source of comfort and care. In non-monogamy, both partners might have local relationships, and that allows for companionship and affection and emotional regulation. Also, it can put a lot less pressure on the long-distance relationship itself. So like, it doesn't have to be absolutely everything. This question of, is this going to eventually end? Are we eventually going to come together? And be proximal to one another. Like, that doesn't necessarily even need to come into play. It can, but it can sort of be what it is, and it allows for networks across different continents or across different states to be meaningful and intentional. But if they're not necessarily going to change, if the geography isn't going to change, that doesn't make them necessarily any less impactful. And any less meaningful to the individuals doing them. Also, you know, you might not be on a relationship escalator type situation with that individual, which is great. So milestones can mean different things. You might have more flexibility about what the relationship looks like, where it's going to eventually go. You're not just constrained by this expectation that like all of these connections that you have needs to lead to cohabitation and merged lives. Again, it can just be sort of what it is.
Jase: I think that's a great point that often we can approach relationships within the sort of default monogamy world as living together is the goal. And if you're not moving toward that, then something's wrong, or maybe this isn't the right relationship or something like that, that we can put this external pressure on the shape of the relationship that we might not experience if it weren't for that kind of social idea. And so yeah, I think that non-monogamy is not in itself the solution, but you're more likely to be exposed to ideas that question that relationship escalator or suggest maybe there's other ways to do things.
Emily: Totally. And all of the skills of non-monogamy are transferable to long distance relationships skills as well. So things like having good communication skills, trying to articulate your needs, managing jealousy, processing independently and then coming together and processing together, or having hard conversations. All of this is like great training for having a long-distance relationship. And I think people who've done their work, you know, real work on being able to communicate well in non-monogamy, they can often find that that toolkit, that non-monogamy toolkit, can translate to a long-distance relationship as well. So finally, if you yourself are looking at is this right for me? Or I am finding myself in a situation where I've met someone and the possibility of a long-distance relationship is there in front of me. Let's do a little self-evaluation framework. So first, ask some questions about the relationship itself. And actually, first, take out your Multiamory Journal, which, damn it, we really need to put together. Yeah. Okay, so ask these questions about the relationship itself. Is this a new relationship that is starting long distance or an established relationship that is becoming long distance? Because the research suggests that established relationships will handle the transition more easily. I think that makes sense to me because, like Jace, for instance, you were together with your partner, then apart, and then back together with them. Or, if you're doing long distance for a period of time when you're in school, for instance, knowing that, okay, this is a short period of time, it might be difficult now, but I know that eventually it's going to go away, or eventually we're coming back together. That can make kind of the ambiguity of long distance relationships a little bit easier. So along those lines, do we have a shared vision of where this relationship is going? This is a little bit more for maybe our monogamous listeners, but it can be for anyone out there. Like, if you have an idea or a plan of of what do I want this relationship to look like a couple months, 6 months, a year or more down the line? Is proximity going to be a part of that or not? Do we have a shared vision of what it is that we want this relationship to look like? Also, are we entering this with a clear-eyed view of the challenges, or are we in this mindset of, it'll be fine, we're super in love with each other, we have a, you know, this huge infatuation, all of these dreamy idealized versions of ourselves. So we're not even thinking about that. Maybe if you're in that phase, try to get to a phase of, wait a minute, I know that I need to like sit down, get my head out of the clouds and actually think about logistically what are the challenges that might happen here because of this. Another thing to look at is how do we handle conflict and disagreement? If we were in a relationship before the distance, I think long-distance relationships can really amplify existing communication patterns. Whether those patterns are good or whether they are bad. And besides looking at the relationship itself, look at yourself specifically. Ask, what is my attachment style? How do I respond to physical absence? For myself especially, I do tend to be more of an anxious attachment person, and that makes these long-distance relationship dynamics a lot more difficult for a person like me. You can ask yourself, do I have a rich, fulfilling life outside of this relationship? And if your answer is, I don't know, not really right now, then maybe a long-distance relationship will feel even more unbearable to you. You can ask yourself, am I comfortable with ambiguity and periods of relational uncertainty? Because that's definitely going to happen. You're not always going to be able to get a hold of your partner if they're on the other side of the world or even a couple hours away, because you're not always going to be proximal to them and not always going to know what it is that they're doing. What are my actual needs for physical affection and proximity? This isn't a value judgment on you or on your partner. It's just data. It's good for you to sit there and question like, okay, am I a person who wants to have a call every single day? Am I a person who wants to be able to touch their partner? Am I a person who needs to be in the same space as my partner in order to feel like I'm in a fulfilling relationship? These are important questions to ask. And then also, if it is becoming a long-distance relationship, for instance, and it was once proximal, am I staying in it because I genuinely want to, or is it because I'm afraid of loss and losing this relationship ultimately?
Jase: I think that's a good question to ask yourself all the time in general.
Emily: Yes.
Jase: Why are you in the relationships that you're in? And that's a question I think a lot of us don't ask ourselves. We just kind of assume Well, I'll just stick with this because that's what I'm doing and disrupting it seems worse.
Emily: Definitely. And finally, ask some very specific questions about the logistics. So can we both afford to visit with reasonable regularity? That's a big one.
Jase: Yeah.
Emily: Really look at like from a financial perspective, can I take a day off of work to go, you know, visit my partner or can I take a long weekend?
Jase: Is that a plane flight? Is it a drive?
Emily: Is there a train? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Do I Pets, kids, like, do I need to find people to watch them, for instance? Like, what is this actually logistically going to look like? Is there an actual plan for closing the distance? And is it realistic or no?
Jase: And do you want that? I guess Dedeker would want to be sure we point out.
Emily: Of course.
Jase: That there are successful options where you don't have a specific end plan to being long distance.
Emily: And then with all of this, are we both willing to carry equal weight in travel and in planning and an effort? Is that something that seems like one person is going to have to carry the burden of all of those things more? Does that feel good to the relationship? Does that feel like something that's sustainable? Look at all of those things as well. And this question of like, is this whole thing worth it? It's definitely going to be a personal question and the answer is going to be deeply personal. But I think it's worth naming that the answer to that question can be no. As always, as we always say, it's okay to break up. It's okay to also choose that a long-distance relationship is not necessarily the right thing for you at this particular moment in time. You can love someone, you can care about them deeply, but you can also recognize that the structure and the ambiguity of being in a long-distance relationship at times and the lack of proximity, that's just not sustainable. That's not something that is ultimately going to work for you. And that's okay.
Jase: And that might not be the same your whole life.
Emily: Yeah, absolutely.
Dedeker: Yeah. Listening to all this and reflecting on my past long distance relationships career, I am just like, wow, have I just been stupid and delusional? Or should I feel really proud and accomplished for having many what I would define as successful long-distance relationships in my past? And maybe it's a little bit of both. Again, maybe it is both being a little delusional and feeling very accomplished and proud of overcoming the obstacles.
Emily: Yeah, I think you did a great job with that. But I mean, you know, all of it— all of this is difficult. It's challenging. One more thing I wanted to throw out there for our non-monogamous listeners: understand that the proximity asymmetry between local and distant partners is a thing. It's a challenge potentially. And try to ensure that your long-distance partner isn't just constantly deprioritized because of the logistical hurdles that it might take to include them in something. Geographic presence shouldn't automatically mean that that person is not a priority in your life. If they are, if this geographical issue does become a problem, then talk about it, then realize and like be communicative and open about that because you have to check in and see like whether distance is serving the relationship or whether it's becoming a problem that is unsustainable. All right, everyone, that was a lot. So we have a question for all of you out there. If you are in a long-distance relationship, does it have an end date? Do you want it to have an end date? I think I want to add that on this week because of all the things that Dedeker said, and she's absolutely right. So that's going to be on our Instagram stories, and the best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is in the episode channel in our Discord server, or you can post in our private Facebook group. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to multiamory.com/join. In addition, you can share with us publicly on Instagram @multiamory_podcast.
Emily: Multiamory is created and produced by Jace Lindgren, Dedeker Winston, and me, Emily Matlack. Our production assistant is Carson Collins. Our theme song is "Forms I Know I Did" by Josh and Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. The full transcript is available on this episode’s page on multiamory.com.