547 - Help! My Partner is Dating My Best Friend: Listener Q&A

When your partner wants to date your best friend…

We’re back with another Q&A episode from one of our listeners. Today we’re discussing the following question:

My secondary partner, Hugo, started dating a very close friend, Claire. It was immediately clear to me that I didn't want to continue dating Hugo as long as he was dating Claire. I feel like I've failed at polyamory because this was such a hard boundary for me. I was heartbroken. 

I've never dated someone who has been in a relationship beyond their primary one before, so I wonder if I would have struggled with him being with anyone else or if it's the nature of this relationship in particular. My husband and I have a no friends rule as pretty much our only rule other than total transparency but with Hugo, we hadn't really discussed boundaries other than sexual health. Things were always so good. We'd always talked so openly about people we were interested in and potentially dating but none had manifested in relationships, since we'd been dating for about a year. 

I'm trying to figure out why I have such a problem with this and Hugo is also pushing me to question it, all while being respectful and sensitive to my feelings during this difficult moment for me. He believes that he would have space to stay in a relationship with me even if I dated a very close friend of his.

So I wonder: should I be cool with this? 

I want to accept their relationship if it does come to that but I'm worried that my friendship will suffer and I will hold onto feelings of hurt making it difficult to be with Hugo again as well. I'm sad and confused.

-First Poly Heartbreak

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