453 - Your Regrets are Here to Help You
Do you have regrets?
Regret often gets a lot of negative feedback and a bad rap, often being called a useless negative emotion, but during this episode we’re diving into some of the psychology research that indicates how regret can help us gain insight, motivation, and direction.
“Regret is an emotion. It’s a negative emotion in that it’s an emotion that makes us feel worse, not better. And it’s an emotion that’s triggered when we think of something from our past and wish we had done something differently, done something in a different way, not done something, taken an action, not taken an action. It’s incredibly cognitively complex because it requires mental time travel. You have to get in a time machine in your head and travel back to the past. Then you have to imagine the counterfactual to what really happened, and then get back in your time machine, come back to present day, and see the present day reconfigured because of the decision you made.”
Daniel Pink, behavioralscientist.org
Studies on regret:
"Praise for regret: People value regret above other negative emotions" by Colleen Saffrey, Amy Summerville, and Neal J. Roese. Published in 2008 in the journal Motivation and Emotion.
“Life regrets and the need to belong.” by Morrison, M., Epstude, K., & Roese, N.J.. Published in 2012 in Social Psychology and Personality Science.
“Sex Differences in Regret: All For Love or Some For Lust?” by Roese, N. J., Pennington, G. L., Coleman, J., Janicki, M., Li, N. P., & Kenrick, D. T. Published in (2006) in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(6).
“How Do I Regret Thee? Let Me Count My Alternatives: Regret and Decision Making in Intimate Relationships" by Mattson, Franco-Watkins, and Cunningham. Published in 2012 in Psychology.
The World Regret Survey
If you go to worldregretsurvey.com, you’ll find author Daniel Pink’s database of over 23,000 regrets from people in 109 countries. He organized data from his survey into four different major categories:
Foundational Regrets, or “If only I did the work.”
Not getting a particular education
Not starting to learn a particular skill when young.
Not taking better care of one’s health.
Not expressing oneself or one’s identity authentically.
Opportunity Regrets, or “If only I took the chance.”
Passing up a chance to work or study abroad.
Saying no to an exciting but scary job opportunity.
Moral Regrets, or “If only I’d done the right thing.”
Lying to a partner.
Cheating in the past.
Not standing up for someone.
Connective Regrets, or “If only I reached out.”
Losing touch with old friends.
Never reconciling with someone after a falling out.
Not connecting with someone before they moved away or passed away.
So what do we do about regret?
Pink has a 3-step process for “healthily investing in regret.”
Step 1. Undo it.
This applies in situations where you’ve done something that you later regretted. You can “undo” it by offering an apology to someone you’ve wronged, reaching out to a person that you fell out of contact with, etc. Sometimes this isn’t possible, which leads to step 2.
Step 2. “At least” it.
Find a new purpose, meaning, or silver lining within a decision you regret. For example, you regret going to medical school, but at least you wound up meeting your partner there. You can imagine all of the positive experiences that came out of the one bad experience.
It could help to generate gratitude for the regretful experience.
Step 3. Analyze and strategize.
What lessons can I learn from my regret? What can I do differently now that will prevent me from having more regrets in the future? For example, if you regret not spending more time connecting with a loved one before they died, that can highlight a new action plan: I’m going to cherish the time I have with the people around me and never take it for granted.
If you regret not opening up and being vulnerable with a partner, that can clarify your values: Moving forward, I’m going to take emotional risks in my relationships and open up my heart sooner rather than later.