No, I'm Not Into Women, But My Husband Is Into Men

With gender fluidity, the LGBT movement, equality, and open sexuality moving more into the mainstream, being bisexual or gay is not as taboo as it once was. Or is it? It seems much more common for a woman to be open to either dating a woman or to sleep with one individually or in a group sex situation. But when a man enjoys sex with another man but isn't gay, it still isn’t as socially acceptable and makes most uncomfortable.

I believe that everyone, male or female, has at one point in time imagined or actually been with the same sex. Even if you do not identify as bisexual, pansexual, gay, or any other combination, I am sure the thought has crossed all minds. I can without a doubt say that I am not interested in dating women. I have thought long and hard about whether I am attracted to women. While I do think they are beautiful and that I could meet a woman that I might be interested in getting physical with, I have no desire to actively seek a woman sexually or emotionally.

My husband did not have the same experience. He has told me on several occasions that he recalls being intrigued by sexual things with males early on. He never expressed this since being open to sex with men is still seen by most as a “gay” thing. He participated in several MMF threesomes even though he did not do anything with the men. It was not until we separated that he decided to finally go all the way with a man. At first he only tried oral as that seemed “less committal and scary”. After he found out he liked that, he decided to try a MMF threesome where he did do things with the man as well as the woman. Once he did that, he decided that he did enjoy full on sex with a man. So he went for it and hooked up with a man.

It wasn’t until about a year after we were back together that I learned of his escapades. Once I found out about them I asked him if he was gay or wanted to be with a man. He replied no, and I did a lot of research about men that were interested in other men sexually but not emotionally. I also decided that if I truly loved my husband as I thought I did, then it included this part of him. I moved on from the stigma and talked it through. I did not want him to feel guilt or shame about his sexual preferences. In all regards, liking sex with a man is actually pretty tame compared to some things that are out there! Once I let go of the fear, I was able to more fully accept him for who he really was, and it felt wonderful.

Jump forward to a year ago when we decided to open our marriage and become non-monogamous. We kept running into couples where the women were bisexual and wanted to explore having sex with women, and then their husbands started to date women too. When we would meet people, they almost expected that I was bisexual and would be interested in dating or hooking up with the women in the relationship. When we explained that I was only interested in men, but that my husband was into sex with both men and women, they seemed stunned. I got looks like, “That poor girl doesn’t know her husband is gay." It blew my mind that even people with supposedly open mindsets had such closed minds to a man wanting to explore sex with another man.

I think our society is finally opening up about being sexually curious or interested in the same sex, but man-on-man action still has a HUGE stigma if a man is not claiming to be “gay." Take a look at Craigslist and the amount of men that secretly hook up with men. You can find everything from “Need a good blowjob” to “Looking for a friend that my wife will not know is a hook up." It is really crazy to me that someone would rather lie and go behind their spouse's back to satisfy a sexual need or desire than admit that they like to have sex with a man. Yet women are almost put on a pedestal if they enjoy hooking up or having sex with women.

If you ask my husband, he would say he is bisexual hetero-romantic, meaning he isn’t interested in men romantically but only sexually. Once I was able to let go of the fear of my husband having sex with another man I learned that it opened the door to a lot of conversation and amazing openness in our sex life. In society, men have so many advantages that we sometimes forget that they are pressured to keep up the typical male dominant role. There is just as much pressure to be “manly” as women have in their own gender role. But, as far as sexuality goes women are definitely able to be feminine or masculine with less reaction than men. Part of the appeal of BDSM or being submissive is being able to let go of societal norms and let go of the male role. It allows both sexes to really explore things that are normally taboo or strange.

In my mind it comes down to fear. Fear of losing someone. Fear of someone finding out that maybe they are “gay” or “queer." One of the men I dated was interested in doing things with a man during a MMF threesome. He had never gone there because his wife was concerned that maybe he would “enjoy it too much” and might decide to be with a man instead. The question that I have is, if someone has sex with the same sex and something inside them clicks and says “Wow this is who I am really am," shouldn’t we be happy for them? Shouldn’t we look past our egos and be happy for the person we love that they can finally live their life 100% fulfilled? Do we really want someone to stay with us even if they aren’t happy just so we don’t have to deal with rejection and hurt? If my husband did decide he would rather be with a man or another woman, then yes, I would be sad and need time to heal. But I would be okay. I would survive. I would live and learn and grow and so would he. I would rather see him with someone else and at peace with his decisions and his life then with me just for the sake of not hurting me and being miserable.

I do not have the door closed to sex with a woman, because I truly believe in growth and know that there could be someone out there that I might be attracted to. Someone that I want to explore that part of myself that has not yet been activated or discovered. In the meantime, I applaud my husband's courage to be honest with himself and explore what he likes. To not hide part of himself because of the stigma or worry of what people think. If you are scared to express yourself due to society or what others think then ask yourself this - how can I fully love anyone if I don’t fully love myself for who I am?


Peyton loves discussions on sex and relationships, partakes in yoga classes, and bakes a mean chocolate chip cookie. She will challenge anyone at Tetris and would be a food critic if dreams came true.