Many people who embrace polyamory (or open relationships or relationship anarchy) subscribe to the idea of total openness. Where did your lover go last night? Who were they with? What did they do together? If they did that, then how will I fare with them the next time we meet? Am I "good enough?” Will they leave me? Disclosure may be one of our most challenging lessons to unwind. The pull to know everything is strong, and often is the companion to fear of loss or abandonment. But full disclosure—a kind of "tell me everything" approach to polyamory—can be corrosive, even toxic. For starters, knowing every last detail puts your partner(s) on the spot: tell all or you're being dishonest. And the power of novelty and mystery in our loving relationships can’t be underestimated (and may be a wonderful surprise for you both). Mutually agreeing on "less is more" is a path to better relationships.Read More
With gender fluidity, the LGBT movement, equality, and open sexuality moving more into the mainstream, being bisexual or gay is not as taboo as it once was. Or is it? It seems much more common for a woman to be open to either dating a woman or to sleep with one individually or in a group sex situation. But when a man enjoys sex with another man but isn't gay, it still isn’t as socially acceptable and makes most uncomfortable.Read More
“It's your thing, do what you wanna do, I can't tell you who to sock it to” -- The Isley Brothers
The Isley Brothers have been a part of my life since early childhood. I have hummed and car danced to “It’s Your Thing” for decades. Suddenly, a few years ago, I gleaned an awareness of what the lyrics really meant. The singer is saying, “It’s your pussy, and you got pussy control.” The lyrics tell a story of NO ownership, NO exclusivity, and NO control of the other person in the relationship. This song came out in 1969, which was in the middle of the Black Arts Movement. Black people were exploring the taboo.Read More
When I first Googled the term “polyamory” years ago, it was slim pickins. After reading The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn, I was desperate to learn even more about this whack-a-doo way of handling relationships. I had to dig to find buried forum posts and LiveJournal entries. Though sparse, the information was out there, and I ravenously consumed as much as I could.
These days, there is a veritable cornucopia of books, blogs, podcasts, and free educational resources for anyone curious to explore life outside the bubble of traditional monogamy. Yes, yes, I know -- Multiamory is your absolute, hands-down favorite podcast and blog. But it’s okay to seek out some variety and get your blog-reading needs met by different writers! For some people, that’s the whole appeal of polyamory and non-monogamy, so I don’t see why it can’t be different with the blogs you read.Read More
While sitting in the Lincoln Center’s Mitzi Newhouse Theatre, watching Sarah Ruhl’s latest play “How to Transcend a Happy Marriage,” I couldn’t help but wonder how many people around me also practiced ethical non-monogamy...Read More
This past year has led me to discover the philosophy of minimalism and fall in love with it. It started initially with some basic spring cleaning, which led to a friend recommending The Minimalists podcast, then a 30-day minimalism challenge where I got rid of over 400 items, and it has continued from there, creating more and more freedom and flexibility in my life. In addition to physical possessions, the philosophy can apply to everything in life from money and career to health and scheduling.
As someone who hosts a podcast about polyamory, it didn’t take long before I started thinking about how to apply minimalism to relationships...Read More
You might be here on the Multiamory website for any number of reasons. You might be in a monogamous relationship right now and thinking about opening up, or you might be single and considering entering into a relationship that will be non-monogamous, or you may have been in several non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships that just haven't gone so smoothly. Today we're going to delve into the three main things that need to be talked over in order to lay a solid foundation for a happy, healthy, non-mono or poly relationship.
I have been thinking about, talking about, reading about, writing about polyamory, non-monogamy, and open relationships every single day for years. On top of that, for the past three years, I have been working as a relationship coach, specializing in helping people who are struggling to open up their relationship or who need some guidance in their established poly relationships. And after so many years of that, I start to see recurring patterns. I see what is happening in the relationships that are successful and happy, and I see what is happening over and over in the relationships that are falling apart, struggling, arguing all the time, and generally making everyone in the relationship totally miserable.Read More
The concept of man’s never-ending search for love, and how society views people who don’t wish to partake in that quest, has been on my mind a lot recently. At the time of writing this, I am acting in a production of Stephen Sondheim and George Furth’s 1970 masterpiece, “Company.” This musical was groundbreaking at the time of its arrival to Broadway because of its nuanced, introspective examination of romantic relationships, marriage, and the main character’s ambivalence towards traditional relationship dynamics.Read More
Envy is a normal part of life that everybody deals with at some point. Somebody has something you want: a better job, a big house, a nice car, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a better yoga practice, whiter teeth, better sex… The list can go on and on. Usually when we talk about jealousy and envy we give techniques for handling that envy in a productive way or ways to change your thinking, realizing that maybe everybody else’s life isn’t as perfect as you think it is.
In this article, however, I want to explore a totally different idea. What if the things I’m envious of are actually things I don’t even want?Read More
Last night, I dreamt that I was giving birth.
Childbirth and pregnancy dreams don’t occur often for me, but when they do, they are vivid, intense, and leave a lasting emotional impression long after I’ve woken up. They usually have a negative bent to them. Sometimes I dream that I’m staring at a pregnancy test, and when I see that blue strip indicating “positive,” my dream-self melts into anguish and shock lucid enough to wake me up with a racing heartbeat. Other times I dream about being full-bellied, third-trimester pregnant, but with a baby that belongs to an abusive ex-partner.
Everyone craves novelty. We relish new experiences and are recharged by the opportunity to shake things up. This is especially true in romantic relationships. It can get confusing because we also need some semblance of stability and familiarity. I don’t know many people who think of chaos as an integral part of their ideal relationship. Non-monogamy does a great job of forcing us to find the balance between those extremes.Read More
In dark times such as these, it can be challenging to know what to do or where to turn. In my own efforts to feel as though I am contributing to the greater good (and doing something other than hiding under my comforter), I have compiled a short list of ways in which you can be a progressive, forward-thinking social activist. This is in no way a comprehensive list, but hopefully you can find something that will appeal to you and remind you that there is good in this world, and that it is worth fighting for.Read More
If you’ve been paying attention to any alt-right or “men’s rights” twitter accounts and blogs you will have seen this hot new insult getting thrown around the interwebs: cuck. Pretty much any male who reads this blog or listens to our show is someone who could be called a cuck, regardless of anything else about them. If you’ve never heard this term used, then you are...Read More
At 12:00 am on January 1st, 2017, I sat in silence and watched a Buddhist nun ring a gong three times. I was in bed by 12:30 am, a little cranky, a little stiff and achy, and exhausted
Let me give some context. From the end of December until the first week of January, I was on a ten-day silent meditation retreat, hosted by the nuns of Aloka Vihara. I had gone on silent retreats with these nuns before, but this was the longest I had ever done. For ten days, I lived as though I were in a Buddhist monastery: very little speaking, no eating after noon, no entertainment whatsoever, and lots and lots of meditation.Read More
While there have been lots of memorable firsts in the last few years, this post is inspired by what I expect will be a particularly novel poly experience. In a few days, I will be performing my very first wedding ceremony as an officiant! To be fair, the wedding is only between two people so it’s not technically a “poly wedding”. But these two people happen to be very old friends of mine who have been navigating non-monogamy much longer than I have.Read More
A first date can boost your ego, energize you, and be the start of a life-changing connection. Or, a first date can turn out to be a depressing, discouraging, totally awkward waste of your time. Between those two extremes, it's easy to trampoline between excited butterflies and anxiety-ridden dread. For poly folk, first dates can be an even bigger landmine. Unless your date already identifies as non-monogamous, this may be their first time encountering a non-traditional relationship style. Trying to make a first impression that is a positive and accurate reflection of yourself and your life drops a lot of pressure on what should otherwise be a fun, flirtatious evening.Read More
It’s been three weeks since the 2016 Presidential Election results. While we at Multiamory have touched on the subject in previous blog posts and podcasts, I wanted to take a moment to address some thoughts that have been on my mind since that eye-opening November evening.Read More
In my last post, I described myself as “a pain-in-the-ass skeptic.” I wrote at length about my intentions in exploring an open relationship and the personal history that led me to non-monogamy. But I mostly glossed over the nitty-gritty of getting from point A to point B.Read More
Before the presidential election last week I had planned to write a blog post about what it means to be a “good man” as an inclusive, open-minded, male-identified person. After last Tuesday's election and the reactions that have followed, I almost felt like I couldn’t continue to write this post, that it was somehow too small or not inclusive enough. However, as difficult as it has been and as scary as it has been to write, this is a conversation we need to be having.Read More