Letting Go of Primary Without Letting Go of Priority

Letting Go of Primary Without Letting Go of Priority

When I first started exploring the idea of taking the monogamy out of my marriage with my husband of 3 years, Calvin, I went into it the same way a lot of monogamous couples do; assuming our relationship was the constant unchanging relationship and everyone else would be secondary and could be dropped if things didn’t work out with this polyamory thing. Neither of us saw the flaw in this logic until I took action and started talking to a friend as a potential romantic interest.

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Non-Monogamous Dating and Disability

Non-Monogamous Dating and Disability

Prior to my current long-term relationship, I had a high success rate of pursuing partners who returned my interest. I’ve spent most of my young adult life in romantic relationships, so by the time my partner and I decided to open our relationship about a year into ours, I felt relatively confident in my ability to find additional partners. Non-monogamy was common in my social communities, I was generally well-liked by everyone, and I had finally gotten to a place in my life where I loved my body and found myself solidly attractive.

Dating was still scary of course. I was new to non-monogamy, which is an additional hurdle to navigate in the beginning stages of dating, but whenever I developed a new crush, I felt like there was a significant chance that a relationship could come of it.

In 2014 I became disabled.

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9 Life Tips from My Experiments in Relationship Anarchy

9 Life Tips from My Experiments in Relationship Anarchy

Like most things in life, my practice of non-monogamy is constantly evolving. From those first tentative steps into dating more than one person simultaneously to learning how to work through jealousy the hard way, it seems there's always a new hurdle to cross.

And, so, last year I found myself at yet another crossroads in my pursuit to perfect my polyamory. I had just ended my first primary partnership, a beautiful but challenging relationship that had left my heart tender and raw. There were many lessons from that relationship, but most of them took shape in hindsight upon measured reflection.

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Dating Someone Who’s Dating Someone You’re Dating

Dating Someone Who’s Dating Someone You’re Dating

My partners and I often jokingly reference our large poly group’s “gravitational pull,” a name we throw around describing the tendency of new partners to enter our poly network by dating multiple people in it at the same time: “Anyone who wanders too close to the poly group gets sucked in and inexplicably finds themselves dating us!”

Being part of a relatively large web of people who are all dating and sleeping with each other in various combinations can be an awesome experience! Most of my polyamorous relationships have developed this way, and I have far more experience dating people who are dating each other than I do dating people who aren’t otherwise involved with my other partners. That said, for every potential dirty joke about celestial bodies in orbit (trust me, there are a lot), there’s a host of unique challenges that surface when dating within a poly network. From my own repeated experiences with the complicated dynamics that can arise from dating people who are dating each other I’ve noticed three overarching themes...

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Emotional Responsibility: Owning Your Side of the Fence

Emotional Responsibility: Owning Your Side of the Fence

One of the more perplexing issues in relationships – whether we are living a monogamous life or a polyamorous / consensually non-monogamous life – is managing our often-complex emotions. Now couple that with learning when to communicate and how, and we have a recipe for potentially difficult situations indeed. Let’s face it, feeling challenging emotions and dealing with them in destructive ways can damage our relationships and connections with those that we love. Let’s take a closer look…

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Taking Accountability for Relationship Failures

Taking Accountability for Relationship Failures

Once upon a time...is not how real life happens. Relationships are not as easy as fairy tales or as the media makes them out to be. Friendships, family, and lovers all hold space in our hearts and day to day lives. But when a relationship doesn’t end up the way we hope for, how we use that time can either help us grow and find relationships we desire or can leave us in despair. We have all had the heartache that comes with the end of a relationship -- learning how to take accountability for your part in the outcome can be empowering and helpful in moving on.

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When Worlds Collide: On Consent in Sex-Positive Spaces

When Worlds Collide: On Consent in Sex-Positive Spaces

I’m fortunate enough to be embedded in a largely sex-positive and non-monogamous social web. I love connecting with people, I love talking about sex (don’t we all?), and I especially love talking about alternative forms of sexual activity and the interpersonal connections that are possible through them. This has inevitably led to lots of conversations with people who are intrigued about how kinky play parties, swinger clubs, private sex parties, and “all that stuff” works. More often than not these folks are at least a little curious to maybe, just maybe, give “all that stuff” a try.

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The Polyamory Guide to Community Building

The Polyamory Guide to Community Building

Looking for other like-minded polyamorous peeps in your area but can't seem to find any? Feeling alone on your unconventional life journey?

That’s how I was feeling at the beginning of my consensually non-monogamous life over a decade ago. Thank goodness I eventually discovered the amazing power of community to help embrace the unique and vulnerable parts of me and guide me in the right direction! And the good news is today, you have even more resources available to you. We’ve all heard the quote by Jim Rohn “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” But I’d like to take that one step further because living an alternative lifestyle takes bravery, inspiration, smarts, and the power of community.

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Full Disclosure: How We Get in our Own Way in Polyamorous Relationships

Full Disclosure: How We Get in our Own Way in Polyamorous Relationships

Many people who embrace polyamory (or open relationships or relationship anarchy) subscribe to the idea of total openness.  Where did your lover go last night? Who were they with? What did they do together? If they did that, then how will I fare with them the next time we meet?  Am I "good enough?” Will they leave me? Disclosure may be one of our most challenging lessons to unwind.  The pull to know everything is strong, and often is the companion to fear of loss or abandonment. But full disclosure—a kind of "tell me everything" approach to polyamory—can be corrosive, even toxic.  For starters, knowing every last detail puts your partner(s) on the spot: tell all or you're being dishonest. And the power of novelty and mystery in our loving relationships can’t be underestimated (and may be a wonderful surprise for you both).  Mutually agreeing on "less is more" is a path to better relationships. 

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No, I'm Not Into Women, But My Husband Is Into Men

No, I'm Not Into Women, But My Husband Is Into Men

With gender fluidity, the LGBT movement, equality, and open sexuality moving more into the mainstream, being bisexual or gay is not as taboo as it once was. Or is it? It seems much more common for a woman to be open to either dating a woman or to sleep with one individually or in a group sex situation. But when a man enjoys sex with another man but isn't gay, it still isn’t as socially acceptable and makes most uncomfortable.

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Polyamory and the Black Feminist

Polyamory and the Black Feminist

“It's your thing, do what you wanna do, I can't tell you who to sock it to” -- The Isley Brothers

The Isley Brothers have been a part of my life since early childhood. I have hummed and car danced to “It’s Your Thing” for decades. Suddenly, a few years ago, I gleaned an awareness of what the lyrics really meant. The singer is saying, “It’s your pussy, and you got pussy control.” The lyrics tell a story of NO ownership, NO exclusivity, and NO control of the other person in the relationship. This song came out in 1969, which was in the middle of the Black Arts Movement. Black people were exploring the taboo.

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5 Very Different Polyamory Blogs to Start Following Today

5 Very Different Polyamory Blogs to Start Following Today

When I first Googled the term “polyamory” years ago, it was slim pickins. After reading The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn, I was desperate to learn even more about this whack-a-doo way of handling relationships. I had to dig to find buried forum posts and LiveJournal entries. Though sparse, the information was out there, and I ravenously consumed as much as I could.

These days, there is a veritable cornucopia of books, blogs, podcasts, and free educational resources for anyone curious to explore life outside the bubble of traditional monogamy. Yes, yes, I know -- Multiamory is your absolute, hands-down favorite podcast and blog. But it’s okay to seek out some variety and get your blog-reading needs met by different writers! For some people, that’s the whole appeal of polyamory and non-monogamy, so I don’t see why it can’t be different with the blogs you read.

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Multiamory and Minimalism

Multiamory and Minimalism

This past year has led me to discover the philosophy of minimalism and fall in love with it. It started initially with some basic spring cleaning, which led to a friend recommending The Minimalists podcast, then a 30-day minimalism challenge where I got rid of over 400 items, and it has continued from there, creating more and more freedom and flexibility in my life. In addition to physical possessions, the philosophy can apply to everything in life from money and career to health and scheduling.

As someone who hosts a podcast about polyamory, it didn’t take long before I started thinking about how to apply minimalism to relationships...

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The 3 Things You Must Talk about Before Opening Your Relationship

The 3 Things You Must Talk about Before Opening Your Relationship

You might be here on the Multiamory website for any number of reasons. You might be in a monogamous relationship right now and thinking about opening up, or you might be single and considering entering into a relationship that will be non-monogamous, or you may have been in several non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships that just haven't gone so smoothly. Today we're going to delve into the three main things that need to be talked over in order to lay a solid foundation for a happy, healthy, non-mono or poly relationship.

I have been thinking about, talking about, reading about, writing about polyamory, non-monogamy, and open relationships every single day for years. On top of that, for the past three years, I have been working as a relationship coach, specializing in helping people who are struggling to open up their relationship or who need some guidance in their established poly relationships. And after so many years of that, I start to see recurring patterns. I see what is happening in the relationships that are successful and happy, and I see what is happening over and over in the relationships that are falling apart, struggling, arguing all the time, and generally making everyone in the relationship totally miserable.  

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Alone is Alone Not Alive

Alone is Alone Not Alive

The concept of man’s never-ending search for love, and how society views people who don’t wish to partake in that quest, has been on my mind a lot recently. At the time of writing this, I am acting in a production of Stephen Sondheim and George Furth’s 1970 masterpiece, “Company.” This musical was groundbreaking at the time of its arrival to Broadway because of its nuanced, introspective examination of romantic relationships, marriage, and the main character’s ambivalence towards traditional relationship dynamics.

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I Want What I Don't Want

I Want What I Don't Want

Envy is a normal part of life that everybody deals with at some point. Somebody has something you want: a better job, a big house, a nice car, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a better yoga practice, whiter teeth, better sex… The list can go on and on. Usually when we talk about jealousy and envy we give techniques for handling that envy in a productive way or ways to change your thinking, realizing that maybe everybody else’s life isn’t as perfect as you think it is.

In this article, however, I want to explore a totally different idea. What if the things I’m envious of are actually things I don’t even want?

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Books vs. Babies

Books vs. Babies

Last night, I dreamt that I was giving birth.

Childbirth and pregnancy dreams don’t occur often for me, but when they do, they are vivid, intense, and leave a lasting emotional impression long after I’ve woken up. They usually have a negative bent to them. Sometimes I dream that I’m staring at a pregnancy test, and when I see that blue strip indicating “positive,” my dream-self melts into anguish and shock lucid enough to wake me up with a racing heartbeat. Other times I dream about being full-bellied, third-trimester pregnant, but with a baby that belongs to an abusive ex-partner.

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The Empathy Exchange

The Empathy Exchange

Everyone craves novelty. We relish new experiences and are recharged by the opportunity to shake things up. This is especially true in romantic relationships. It can get confusing because we also need some semblance of stability and familiarity. I don’t know many people who think of chaos as an integral part of their ideal relationship. Non-monogamy does a great job of forcing us to find the balance between those extremes.

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