Multiamory and Minimalism

Multiamory and Minimalism

This past year has led me to discover the philosophy of minimalism and fall in love with it. It started initially with some basic spring cleaning, which led to a friend recommending The Minimalists podcast, then a 30-day minimalism challenge where I got rid of over 400 items, and it has continued from there, creating more and more freedom and flexibility in my life. In addition to physical possessions, the philosophy can apply to everything in life from money and career to health and scheduling.

As someone who hosts a podcast about polyamory, it didn’t take long before I started thinking about how to apply minimalism to relationships...

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The 3 Things You Must Talk about Before Opening Your Relationship

The 3 Things You Must Talk about Before Opening Your Relationship

You might be here on the Multiamory website for any number of reasons. You might be in a monogamous relationship right now and thinking about opening up, or you might be single and considering entering into a relationship that will be non-monogamous, or you may have been in several non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships that just haven't gone so smoothly. Today we're going to delve into the three main things that need to be talked over in order to lay a solid foundation for a happy, healthy, non-mono or poly relationship.

I have been thinking about, talking about, reading about, writing about polyamory, non-monogamy, and open relationships every single day for years. On top of that, for the past three years, I have been working as a relationship coach, specializing in helping people who are struggling to open up their relationship or who need some guidance in their established poly relationships. And after so many years of that, I start to see recurring patterns. I see what is happening in the relationships that are successful and happy, and I see what is happening over and over in the relationships that are falling apart, struggling, arguing all the time, and generally making everyone in the relationship totally miserable.  

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Alone is Alone Not Alive

Alone is Alone Not Alive

The concept of man’s never-ending search for love, and how society views people who don’t wish to partake in that quest, has been on my mind a lot recently. At the time of writing this, I am acting in a production of Stephen Sondheim and George Furth’s 1970 masterpiece, “Company.” This musical was groundbreaking at the time of its arrival to Broadway because of its nuanced, introspective examination of romantic relationships, marriage, and the main character’s ambivalence towards traditional relationship dynamics.

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I Want What I Don't Want

I Want What I Don't Want

Envy is a normal part of life that everybody deals with at some point. Somebody has something you want: a better job, a big house, a nice car, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a better yoga practice, whiter teeth, better sex… The list can go on and on. Usually when we talk about jealousy and envy we give techniques for handling that envy in a productive way or ways to change your thinking, realizing that maybe everybody else’s life isn’t as perfect as you think it is.

In this article, however, I want to explore a totally different idea. What if the things I’m envious of are actually things I don’t even want?

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Books vs. Babies

Books vs. Babies

Last night, I dreamt that I was giving birth.

Childbirth and pregnancy dreams don’t occur often for me, but when they do, they are vivid, intense, and leave a lasting emotional impression long after I’ve woken up. They usually have a negative bent to them. Sometimes I dream that I’m staring at a pregnancy test, and when I see that blue strip indicating “positive,” my dream-self melts into anguish and shock lucid enough to wake me up with a racing heartbeat. Other times I dream about being full-bellied, third-trimester pregnant, but with a baby that belongs to an abusive ex-partner.

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The Empathy Exchange

The Empathy Exchange

Everyone craves novelty. We relish new experiences and are recharged by the opportunity to shake things up. This is especially true in romantic relationships. It can get confusing because we also need some semblance of stability and familiarity. I don’t know many people who think of chaos as an integral part of their ideal relationship. Non-monogamy does a great job of forcing us to find the balance between those extremes.

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5 Ways to be an Activist in the Era of Trump

5 Ways to be an Activist in the Era of Trump

In dark times such as these, it can be challenging to know what to do or where to turn. In my own efforts to feel as though I am contributing to the greater good (and doing something other than hiding under my comforter), I have compiled a short list of ways in which you can be a progressive, forward-thinking social activist. This is in no way a comprehensive list, but hopefully you can find something that will appeal to you and remind you that there is good in this world, and that it is worth fighting for.

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The Conscious Cuck

The Conscious Cuck

If you’ve been paying attention to any alt-right or “men’s rights” twitter accounts and blogs you will have seen this hot new insult getting thrown around the interwebs: cuck. Pretty much any male who reads this blog or listens to our show is someone who could be called a cuck, regardless of anything else about them. If you’ve never heard this term used, then you are...

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Policing, Poly, and Personal Boundaries: An Inquiry into Aversion

Policing, Poly, and Personal Boundaries: An Inquiry into Aversion

At 12:00 am on January 1st, 2017, I sat in silence and watched a Buddhist nun ring a gong three times. I was in bed by 12:30 am, a little cranky, a little stiff and achy, and exhausted

Let me give some context. From the end of December until the first week of January, I was on a ten-day silent meditation retreat, hosted by the nuns of Aloka Vihara. I had gone on silent retreats with these nuns before, but this was the longest I had ever done. For ten days, I lived as though I were in a Buddhist monastery: very little speaking, no eating after noon, no entertainment whatsoever, and lots and lots of meditation.

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Marriage and the Free Market

Marriage and the Free Market

While there have been lots of memorable firsts in the last few years, this post is inspired by what I expect will be a particularly novel poly experience. In a few days, I will be performing my very first wedding ceremony as an officiant! To be fair, the wedding is only between two people so it’s not technically a “poly wedding”. But these two people happen to be very old friends of mine who have been navigating non-monogamy much longer than I have.

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If the Buddha was on Tinder: 3 Ways to Stay Zen on First Dates

If the Buddha was on Tinder: 3 Ways to Stay Zen on First Dates

A first date can boost your ego, energize you, and be the start of a life-changing connection. Or, a first date can turn out to be a depressing, discouraging, totally awkward waste of your time. Between those two extremes, it's easy to trampoline between excited butterflies and anxiety-ridden dread. For poly folk, first dates can be an even bigger landmine. Unless your date already identifies as non-monogamous, this may be their first time encountering a non-traditional relationship style. Trying to make a first impression that is a positive and accurate reflection of yourself and your life drops a lot of pressure on what should otherwise be a fun, flirtatious evening.

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What It Means to "Be A Man"

What It Means to "Be A Man"

Before the presidential election last week I had planned to write a blog post about what it means to be a “good man” as an inclusive, open-minded, male-identified person. After last Tuesday's election and the reactions that have followed, I almost felt like I couldn’t continue to write this post, that it was somehow too small or not inclusive enough. However, as difficult as it has been and as scary as it has been to write, this is a conversation we need to be having.

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10 Diagnostics to Run on Your Relationships (Part 2)

10 Diagnostics to Run on Your Relationships (Part 2)

Last week, I covered 5 unique diagnostic tests and tools for evaluating your relationships and understanding yourself and your partners better. Here’s 5 more tools to help take your personal growth, your communication, and your relationships to the next level.

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10 Diagnostics to Run on Your Relationships (Part 1)

10 Diagnostics to Run on Your Relationships (Part 1)

The left side of your brain is an analyst. It focuses on facts, figures, words. It seeks logic, rationality, and a sense of order. The right side of your brain is a feeler. It focuses on emotions, imagination, intuition. It seeks creative expression and non-verbal communication.  I love applying left-brained thinking to right-brained processes.

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Confessions of a Sometimes Poly n00b

Confessions of a Sometimes Poly n00b

In an effort to show a little humility for a lifestyle that still challenges me every day, I’d love to pull back the curtain from the shiny profile pictures, the stories of beautiful poly-holidays (polidays?) I’ve shared with partners, and of the genuine fulfillment and freedom of being able to pursue new experiences without discarding the old, foundational love that sustains me. I’d like to share something I’ve recently struggled with...

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The Man in the Box

The Man in the Box

This poly story starts with me taking an amazing girl on a first date and falling hard shortly after we both ended long-term relationships. I know, total rookie mistake. I didn’t see it coming, either. She had explored non-monogamy with her ex-boyfriend. While the actual relationship didn’t work out, non-traditional relationships were something she knew she wanted to continue pursuing. She was clear about that even before our first date.

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